My Diary :3

new tlmk soon YAYYYY I love you tlmk. i love you. and they said that theyre gonna do flat colors to speed things up a bit which is awesome. YAYY. never kill yourself. see this is the stuff that gets me actually excited. tomodachi life 2? deltarune? fnaf movie 2? who gives a shit. i can miss it. tlmk? absolutely not. i have to stay alive until they stop updating regularly in which case it stops existing and i- ill stop this here you get the point. it feels a bit off to straight up state my life is based on a comic being made by 2 people who have other things to do. LOL.

im at home and now feel 10000% better. IM NEVER LEAVING AGAIN. its warm and mine and i have the whole house and its clean!! well at least clean....er. its not disgusting. but i do need to clean. and i will not. the downside is i need to do laundry, which i havent done in.... 3... weeks? 4 maybe? and i need to do my dishes which i hate. and i need to get the ice. the water in the city my dad lives in is SO much better than the water here. and even at my moms an automatic ice maker is soooo nice. but oh well. still 10000 times better.

im glad i decided to do this because i totally forgot to do my homework and its due. SOON. shoullld be easy though. i think. okay byee

YAYY HE DID IT he drew it YAYYY here it is im so happy. i am excited to share. i really expected more of a doodle. this is like a full ass drawing!! i didnt think i could get feet pics (of his character) without a commission. not that im against commissioning him i am just shy. its scary im scared. maybe i should though like supporting an artist i like aside this rush is crazy. i need MORE people to draw for me. NOW!!!! this is what finally convinces me to get a job LMAO jk. anyway its so good. and hes so cute. i really like myers. have i mentioned i love the loverman killer because i love the loverman killer. he does have 6 toes. 2 pinky toes. just like his hands. haha im so happy about this i keep looking at it. i really like the pose. his belly is out a little bit.... and the hair..... i feel like im beating around the bush here. his feet. look good. i want to lick them. i am embarassed that i like feet even though it is by far my most normal possible fetish. ignore the fact that i asked for myers feet drawing. its unrelated to his feet. i was just baiting bileshroom to draw myers. YOU DONT KNOW. i dont even like feet i dont even want a footjob from myers. ohh jesus christ thats so hot hnnghh

okay that aside i will have a real entry. im doing okay. i had class today which was fine i dont mind my precalc class. i got my major switched and my class picked out though i actually cant enroll until next week which i didnt know. its based on credits which makes sense. if you have most of your credits you probably should be the first people to get into a class becuase like it would be annoying if some random freshman took the last class from you. im taking some boring easy class, calculus, and ENGLISH COMP NOOOO i dont like english classes they stress the fuck out of me. im not even really bad at them. i am good at doing school. but i HATE them. my mom thinks i should try to get my brother's professor becacuse she was like. not too bad. idk. im very stressed still. i need like... an easy solution. like smoking. cigarettes.... (dreamy voice and stars and hearts. around a cigarette. someones probably made that before im sure. like on smoking twitter or something where theyre all 13). i smoked a little bit as a teenager and i did like it. i enjoyed my smoking. it was probably better for my teeth becuase id brush my teeth vigorously so i wouldnt get caught. and like neutral on my lungs i dont think my lingering desire is the 3 weeks of smoking when i was 15 i think its being exposed to cigarettes every day of my life since i was concieved until very recently. idk if thats a real thing but it certainly cant help. but my heart probably wouldnt do well. whatever

i guess things are boring. i ate a potato for dinner i didnt order food even though i really wanted to. i need to upload that self ship drawing but i want to make it look a bit nicer my pencil sucked ass. ummm. i have this idea for this fnaf au. even more removed from my current one. it would be like my current one but focused on the ghost kids. max did die when he died instead of living so hes a ghost too. shes a ghost too. theyre a ghost too. i think she/they roxy. because theyd be roxy they wouldnt have had the time to even develop the name max. idk what to do with it i think the fun is primarily the kinds of ghosts they are and what that means... in my au. roxy is a poltergiest. evan is a banshee. theyre not evil or anything theyre not the evil kinds of ghosts. mean maybe. violent. not evil. the missing children and elizabeth are stuck to their... objects. their animatronics. charlie would have access to hers and can control hers (though less so with lefty) but she can go wherever she wants shes not stuck to them. maybe she can talk to living people? garett will probably also be there as an outside no-attatched-object ghost. charlie is the main character and she goes around and finds the other kids. a bigger cast of side character ghosts is better. can give them information. liz i think may find some way to join her (something like the novels maybe). liz has the ability to speak through her object (circus baby) so maybe thats part of it. and roxy is my oc and my dear baby so i think she would have a larger role but im not thinking main cast. roxy resents being a ghost but still keeps themself (as opposed to say evan and some of the missing kids, who i will name if/when i get there, who.... lose themself. this isnt a unique concept i think its literally in the fnaf movie). and is a poltergiest the big joke i have with that is that she smokes real cigarettes and does nothing else with the ability. which is dangerous bc you can trap a poltergiest theyre limited by the physical world. but they dont care. they smoke. theyre cool. (dont smoke guys i know what i said earlier but it is bad for u and others). micheal can be there and he can probably talk to ghosts. i think i want some living kid too probably abby because shes already like able to do this. i keep falling to gregory as if i know literally anything about security breach. is gregory even a human???? is gregory. alive. so anyway its charlie abby and liz trying to...... thats part of the problem. trying to what? help the ghosts move on? this is kinda part of maxs story and its certainly something im brushing over because it seems like the way to do it by game lore is kill william afton and then for everyone that didnt help you set them on fire. which ummmm. not ideal. i do not want to set michael on fire but i do think he also deserves to die. in a good way. hes purple hes.... he needs to go to heaven now. but "kill william afton" on its own is WAYY too obvious and easy!! the reason they didnt do that in the game for so long is because they are ghosts. and also... they did do that!!! idk man. maybe they have to repent this is just an explicitly christian story about dead kids finding god. LOLLLL. idk. if i can ever figure that out i could maybe write the story but idk if i ever will figure that out so all that will come of this is... this.

helloo. it was super windy yesterday it was scary. loud. im scared of weather. i dont think i have much to say today. played minecraft. im going to church tommorow (so i can bring my laundry to my moms) (its been 3 weeks). ive been craving a lot of sour cream. so then i eat some sour cream. did my dishes this morning. i swear i did have more to say.

im glad my tumblr is pruned to transfeminists. i used to have to be a little scared id come across some dumbass post about how trans women and trans men should be sucking and fucking instead of addressing misogyny ever but i dont anymore which is nice. shout out to that. speaking of tumblr theres a tumblr tiktok tab now. on the app. nobody has adressed it at all on my dash. i clicked on it once and proceeded to ignore it.

did "have" instead of "half" today. and vice versa a while back. im losing my mind i swear i hear the church bells at random times even though i know they only ring every hour.

(im going through my notes app for misc thoughts that i havent done yet). umm. i dont play connections every day but i dont give a shit if the category is stupid. theres no such thing as a stupid category imo. i really just want to see four categories. thats the appeal to me.

(cw for eating disorder mentions) deleted twitter off my phone. its too easy to go to the for you page, which is evil and constantly trying to give me an eating disorder. which is partially my fault, the venn diagram of some... unnamed communities i DO like and the ed one is a circle. but it doesnt make me feel good. i dont worry about developing one i just like fat people and dislike 3000 posts about how fat people are disgusting. i know not everyone with an ed feels that way but everyone on ed twitter does i think. if it doesnt show me that (this is 3 and it got away from me. but i feel like if i delete it im a bad person. SORRY) it says "umm did you guys know lolicon/pedophilia/zoophilia is bad?" and it gets in my head because im costantly telling it i dont want to see that stuff. because why am i being shown that? does twitter know im secretly a pedophile? which im not but what if i am? and then it shows me...... the opposite which i dont wanna see either!! but then sometimes i do it on purpose. just to make sure i feel like puking. gotta stretch those morality muscles. that what we all do right we look at a thing thats bad so we can feel disgusted and reassure ourselves that we feel disgusted. looking for "william afton x reader" on ao3 and forgetting to filter anything because its been a while since ive looked for something. yeesh. and how many words is this one, so i can maybe see if i stomach it. and if i can i should kill myself. im fine. its.... fine. im normal. i dont have therapy this week, so i will just push it down. which IS morally wrong, i need to tell everyone so i can be registered as a sex offender. for thinking about reading something so awful. just to see if its gross? you dirty liar, you secretly want to get off on it. but you just feel guilty about it. so thats why it makes you sick but regular people would just scroll away and never think about it again. YOU are going to go back to it and read it because youre a pedophile. ... and i didnt this time (thank god) but ive done that before and it only makes me feel worse! but i almost... feel worse NOT reading it!! i feel like im scared im not going to be grossed out!!! GRGH. so anyway thats why i deleted twitter off my phone. i have an extention on my puter that gets rid of it so i dont even know how to go to the for you page. so. epic win. im NOT a pedophile. this doesnt make me a pedophile. avoiding this stuff makes me LESS of a pedophile. and by less i mean like negative, because i was already at 0 OKAYYYY SHUT UPPPPP JESUS CHRIST. as i said once on tumblr "how many points do i lose by editing this repeatedly to make sure i sound less like a pedophile.

actually before i leave i have one more thing. one thing... that does FEEL good but maybe isnt the best thing about me not posting is that im not terrified of posting some opinion and getting a reply like "oh okay so now the xyz is preaching to us about this?". obviously xyz is usually pedophile (which caused me to panic private my posts a lot) bc the thing is like if this was anything else i like to think people may understand that its intrusive thoughts but becuase its me convinced im secretly a pedophile... a lot of people literally think that makes you a pedophile and also. also. a lot of people (especially on twitter. those posts they love to show me!) think pedophiles should die. so it makes me really scared sometimes. and i know like its circular the whole reason im scared of being a pedophile is because pedophilia is bad. but the idea that a misunderstanding like this could kill me (which it wont thinking logically. but im not is the problem) is terrifying. but see i wont becuase im not posting. not that posting these entries to my website feels GREAT but i think theyre important to ME and i dont feel like this stuff gets dug up like a searchable tumblr post does. anyway this isnt even half of the shit that goes through my head. i really should talk about this more seriously with my therapist...

(epic march i dont have to write february every day. LOL). haii. today i kinda freaked out at my homework. i did one of them. and like. it was like a 12 step problem which is fine its easy. so i do all of it ive got it all written down in my notes. the equation written down in my notes and ive even opened the graph on desmos BECAUSE it keeps telling me i have the vertex wrong but theres no way the vertex is wrong??? but whatever i press submit :) and the entire fucking thing is wrong. the whole equation? entirely different. well. like 2 numbers off from what i had which.... is an entirely different graph yknow. which makes it scary bc i swear i checked it like 40 times bc why was the vertex wrong i redid it like 12 times. and checked it. on desmos. so anyway surely what happened is that the program fucked up, gave me the wrong randomly generated problem for the solutions (although you had to pick the graph and the graphs aligned with the equation i saw... BUT idk how the system works.) but i really freaked out i thought like something was like. wrong. i really freaked out. also also the graphs of the correct problem. was wrong like that one was straight up wrong. the vertex was like in quadrant 3 but the correct graph had it in quadrant 4. pissed me off did not help me feeling like i was going insane. the rest were normal

woke up at like. 3. all week. ugh. which sucked bc my schoolwork had like super crazy long notes :/ and i didnt get it. i didnt even finish it i just. used desmos to get the homework. dont make fun of me for cheating in college people are like "uhh youre paying" YEAH so i CANT FAILLL if i fail i wasted all this fucking money!! i wouldnt cheat on tests or anything its just the assignments. ill LEARN it i have to but it needed to get done and i needed a fucking break. even if i get the notes the assignment is like different anyway so i have to do another set of research to get what im supposed to fucking do anyway. id rather get it RIGHT and then review over getting it WRONG then review. and im going to review with outside resources. whatever. i dont want to be in college i want to drop out but if i drop out i have to get a job. i cannot move back in with my dad i cannot. i do not want a job though. i will never get a job. "what about after college" what ABOUT after college.

im feeling really overwhelmed by all the cars driving through the rain outside and the guy on the phone who walks on the balcony outside of the apartments. i kinda wish he wouldnt do that... i assume he has a reason im giving him the benifit of the doubt but hearing the talking and the footsteps kinda stresses me out. okay had to say that.

Okay. um last paragraph i think. i think im so chatty bc i dont post anywhere else LOL. i do. want to. learn html.... NOOO. i want the drawings on the art page to get bigger when u click on them so i have to figure that one out. like i like the gallery view but theyre. small. you can open them in a new tab (and it actually is best on mobile bc you can zoom in) but umm. i want it to happen on the page. imagine i just make a new page for every drawing. no, i hate having 1000 pages.

that was supposed to be posted. yesterday. um ill keep this short. today i woke up late and went to therapy and talked about it. she made me DRAW which was so awkward but they actually ended up kinda cute. its awkward talking about your feelings. im so literal. "draw how you feel when youre trying to sleep" -draws me sleeping. and then words. that describe how i feel-. whatever. it went well im going to get star projection light and im gonna play white noise. rain sounds. i cleaned today :3 made a little chore wheel. and did the chores. its great. and i included breaks too so its fun watching the wheel land on 15 min crossword break. i cut out like 3 paragraphs of me ranting. its okay to get these feelings out but i dont gotta share so i can be annoyed every time i read back on these. im putting them in a google doc. okay goodbye.

okay.... made one of these and then. tried to insert too many images. so ill write it again sure. and cut out that section anyway. not necessary. So hello. hi its been a little bit. i freaked out and quit social media kinda. so okay what happened was i drew a picture YAYY its been a while. it did predictably bad. all my posts do but i realized holy shit i hated posting that all it did was feel bad. and posting in general! just makes me anxious. afraid someone is going to. come to my house and cringe. (<- reference to old tumblr post of MINE). so i should quit! so ive quit posting entirely. i quit instagram totally because it sucks and theres no real way to NOT look at some random post. even twitter is better about that and i do get sucked into the for you page of twitter (my fault im bored as hell) which i hate but i had to click on the tab! i didnt just.... open twitter! i mean it often starts on that tab but i open twitter FOR the people i follow yknow. anyway. so i quit instagram entirely. (partially because... and i know this is super mentally ill and stupid and bad of me... i wonder how long it will take for someone to notice i stopped posting? and like ask about it? wonder if i.... went... somewhere.... mentally ill guy. not online or looking at stories or posting...... look. i know. but partially because of the reasons i said okay.) so anywayyy. my posting energy has gone to a notes app. nothing is REALLY worth saving. a couple ill expand on here.

i got like 4 posts about how people who dislike spam liking are fuckign evil so i took it out of my bio and pinned post but ill still block you. like same fuckin people with dni if your fav color is red but i cant dislike some fakey ass interaction "im having funnn on your account haha" girl i get the notifications 2 seconds apart it doesnt feel like youre having fun. it feels like you want a story shout ot. WHY DIDNT YOU FOLLOW or comment or ANYTHING else hmmmm? "im shy" not shy enough to not clog my notifications. "hmm back in MY day we shouted people out for this" yes and back in MY day i always felt like thats why people did it in the first place but whatever fuck me!! idk i dislike fakey interactions im the tumblr user who dislikes likes but in my fucking defense 15 likes and no reblogs. feels bad. feels like nobody wants to share your work. this is reblog website but my art isnt good enough. 2000 fuckin note people complaining about this ofc you dont care. YOU GET REBLOGS. obvi nothing will actually satisfy me but COME ON. 2000 note people are the same ones who dont care about spam liking bc they dont know anyone who likes their posts. I DO. i look at every god damn blog bc i dont get that many notes and have the time. not like to scrutinize them just to look. im bored. anyway. being a small artist sucks. omg this was really bad when i saw one of the "guys if youre putitng reblogs > likes on your post youre literally stupid nobody has to support you :/" next to people complain about people not commenting on fics. like nobody gives a shit about the artist and NOBODY gives a shit about the visual artist and people ACTIVELY HATE the oc artist. i guess ill. go somewhere..... sorry this is SO WHINEY i just hate all of it. but why ive stopped posting i guess. one more "I LOVE OCSSS" post my mutual reblogged next to MY FUCKING POST OF MY OCS they ignored. i cant do it anymore. has me saying like "guys im sorry if you liked seeing my posts and its nobodys job to like my posts and support me but im going to stop posting im really sorry" THEY DONT EVEN LIKE YOU. they do not care enough to pretend to like you. they didnt care to pretend to like you the first time you threatened to stop posting dont you DARE post "oh... hey guys haha sorry to be whiney but if youre interested in my posts can you like this post or shoot me an ask haha......" because youll just be disappointed.

okay okay. okay sorry my other post was like about fahrenheit vs celcius and how americans are really annoying about it? why do americans think fahrenheit is better. like even metric liking americans. "F is for humans C is for water!!" what. no. if it was "for humans" it would be words..... RIGHT??? no F is only intuitive for people who learned it do you think people who use C are just confused all the time. do you think they look at 25 degrees and go "hmmm well. see if i was water this would be chilly compared to boiling but i am not so i dont know hmm" no they think wow a pleasant day. are you stupid???? "hmm theres not enough difference between temperature. i mean 25 degrees C is 77 F, but 26C is almost 79F!" right because the difference between 77F and 79F is SO big i HAVE to know the difference. 77F is a cool summer breeze but 79F is a warm spring day! (idk if thats true). "its percentage hot" you are REACHINGGG you understand 50% hot is like as arbitrary as 10 degrees C right. "Well you europeans-" im american. YEAHHH you thought i may not be because i was going around it but no I was raised in fahrenheit. i also dont know what 77 feels like because its not like intuitive you have to learn it. also. fahrenheit is hard to spell. which is why i switched to F really quick idk how to spell it i only can today becuase i looked it up. (psst europe and canada arent the only countries on earth other than america btw i could be from anywhere. yes even though im writing english its really telling when you assume nonamericans are only europeans.)

omg i have 22 drafts on my tumblr sideblog i was seeing if i had something else. i had a couple things a lot of these are about like sex stuff which i cant do here. hmm a lot of posts about transmisogyny i mostly have to get them off my chest. i make the point but then its not like. fixed so i have to make 12 posts about it and dont post them LOL. my ex bf said i friendzoned him. jesus i forgot about that. i didnt post it because im a little paranoid he still looks at that account. hygeine stuff (you ever think about how you (presumably) pull up your pants after wiping but before you wash your hands. nobody talks about how your jeans are probably pretty gross. not that i personally care but i will continue to wear outside clothes on my couch until this is addressed. sorry.) the time i got really mad about someone i follow complaining about misandry because he saw his trans woman friend say... i dont even remember. and he ran with it and called all of the people she was talking about terfy misandrists even though she said they were mostly trans women and explicitly not terfs. pissed me off so bad i made 40 posts about how i you can trust a cis person as far as you can throw them. i really hate the idea that terfs hate MEN and not... trans women..... like hating men CAN be a part of it but its really less of the point. posey parker the adult human female lady. does not hate men! she wants men on her side against trans women! and trans men too but its never usually the big thing unless its sad posting about how the poor little girls are being transed :( we have to stop big trans (woman) from transing our daughters. idk. terfs will often enjoy being away from men, hate men, but theyre fighting TRANS PEOPLE. and not because they see trans people as men, but because they are TRANS PEOPLE. yknow.

and then one final one i made today about the homestuck beyond canon update with sollux, where i was like "ugh theyre chadifying sollux this is really cringe" and multiple people were like "HE WAS ALWAYS LIKE THAT you litereally didnt read the comic". which is so stupid hes a grown man now he shouldnt talk like a cool online 13 year old ratioing someone. he should not be talking about getting bitches. it was cringe. he also wasnt like that. i think they latched on to me saying he was a "chad" now, and assumed i meant "sollux is an incel". which is not it at all. id be upset if they inceled sollux too. i meant sollux is like a person. not the chad archetype. sollux didnt get bitches he was friends with girls. i mean jesus christ. "sollux dated two girls and eridan dated none" sollux had friends because he was likable and funny and eridan was a racist misogynist. sollux barely explicily dated the girls. aradia was his friend, who vriska, to aradia, to make fun of her before she killed her, called her boyfriend. feferi was his friend, who LATER he said was his matesprite as ERISOLSPRITE. the point wasnt that sollux got bitches. the point was that sollux had friends and was a poor little meow meow for feferi to dote over tbh

(the dates will always be the day that I had not the day it is until I go to bed. so about 12 to 6 am is still the day before for these. LOL)

ummm. hi. I've been keeping a physical diary for a while but I kind of hate writing. Ive always liked the idea of a public blog so maybe I'll keep up with it for that. spacehey seems like the perfect place for what I imagined in my head. I'll put tws when applicable but umm. it should be fine. I mean let me know if you need something?? this time I'm going to talk about intrusive thoughts if that bothers you. Im really not comfortable actually posting the worst of it LOL. umm. so today was fine. I felt like a lingering bad today. I've been bad all weekend really I dunno why. I got up at like 5pm twice in a row...

i have therapy tomorrow. I'm going to write down all the stuff I want to talk about because last session was really awkward bc my memory is ass and I cant remember my problems. I've been dealing with some really upsetting intrusive thoughts though. so like score for something to talk about. her method of helping has really made things more... idk. like for anyone else... I don't know what I'm thinking in the moment but it's not like "I'm gonna do the bad thing" its like immense guilt and fear, which I then assign the words to yknow. and like action. my intrusive thoughts aren't murder but that's more comfortable so that's what ill say it is its like I look at the subject. then I feel really awful. and then I look at... like, their throat. and its like well no I don't want to choke them out but I then why did I look huh? non-murderers don't see someone and look at their most murdererable parts. and if you're not a murderer why did you have to turn away from them? non-murderers don't do that. non murderers don't even think about murdering. I would trust YOU with my murdererable family members (am I being too on the nose abt what it really is? Im not a bad person I promise) I dont think its outright ocd bc if it was I'd be... there'd be a compulsion involved right? I don't think there is though.

I'm so scared all the time though i really am. I live alone so I think, I am CONVINCED that every single noise is someone breaking into my apartment. I heard what sounded like a light switch the other day and I freaked out so bad I couldn't stop looking at the crack in the door and then when I managed to sit down I looked at the mirror (I was in the bathroom.) Ive always had something about being watched and observed and stalked and I don't think thats true its not paranoia (I think its more like a weird fantasy tbh like someone likes me and is interested in me. hehe) but I think that's always put it in my head that it COULD technically be true. Im scared of cars so I cant cross the street (in my defense I was hit by one when I was 12 and it was bad). I actually struggle to go outside if there's someone else outside I will break down. do NOT come over its been way too long since I took the trash out SHHH.

omg no today WASNT fine y'know what happened today?? I was thinking about an old friend from highschool who was never really personally my friend? but she was like in my group so we were friends. we haven't talked since before my boyfriend and I broke up though (important she and my ex WERE friends for a while but they seemed to have drifted apart as we were dating). so I see her public story and think "oh, I'm on her close friends story on my other account, I want to see if shes added anything to that". well I go look and I don't even see her public story. nor do I see a note or anything so i check the dms and click on her and!! I'm BLOCKED. yeah!! she didn't even say anything or anything?? but she failed block me on my main fucking account so I didn't even know!! shady ass move like she simply had to have not realized right?? so I.... soft blocked her on my main in case it was somehow a misunderstanding but I'm not going to ask if she wants to talk she can make the move. she blocked me she obviously doesn't want to talk. is my excuse but I really want to know??? and I do wonder if my ex has something to do with this!! if he was shit talking me (we had a pretty bad breakup and it was my fault for not doing it better. I'm not getting into that I don't care anymore it was october I've moved on.) or something but like fuck, talk to me!! clearly she didn't see us as friends but I always liked her and I always imagined that she could be my friend. I was thinking about her last night even. I'm not like horribly broken up about it but my BIGGEST fear (besides driving off the road and falling to my death) is that everyone secretly hates me because I'm secretly a bad person "murderer" (and like somehow secretly 12 is also part of it but less applicable here) and I don't even know but everyone else knows and they hate me so bad and they try to find ways to slip out and that's why nobody likes my posts on Tumblr or whatever the fuck I'm upset about at the time.

wow see cathartic. I would have never written all of this in my diary. I may as well outline what I may talk to my therapist about tomorrow.

1. my mom told me to pay my tuition and it felt bad (we were talking about my weird money feelings last session I may not bring this up)

2. intrusive thoughts progress -> um bad. more aware and therefore feeling worse, but maybe that's like progress + how people don't trust people with this type of thoughts and that makes me scared I'm going to be "found out" for being secretly a "murderer"

3. back to my... I don't like to call it depression bc its not horrifically hard like I DO the things that I need to do I just don't do them easily or when I don't HAVE to. + art block :( really bad (though its getting better . drew a picture YAY) though my mood swings are REALLY bad. bipolar runs in my family this could be like..... related.

4. omg I had this weird panic attack esque thing? probs not a panic attack those are long but it wasnt like my freakouts/meltdowns/anxiety attacks where I am Upset about a Thing that is True or I can Believe Is True In the Moment. I felt like my mouth was the wrong size. I suck my thumb (SHUT UPPP I KNOW IM 20) and there's this like spot in my mouth where my thumb goes (I KNOOWW I'll stop when I get braces <- cant afford them ever) and it felt like it didnt fit it was too small! and my tongue didnt fit either it felt too big it was weird as hell and I knew it wasnt true? but like, it was my experience, yknow?? it was so awful. and then I was fine. + on a different day i was having another bad night? but then I had this weird pressure in my head and then I teared up and then I was really bad and then I was okay. and then the next day my art stopped being really bad. ?????

5. my brother and dad are fighting :( fortunately I don't live when them rn but I'm not going home for spring break/summer if theyre still doing that I literally hate those two together so much. and I side with my dad because my brother is an ASSHOLE he's such a dick!! he's got his own problems but he's such a dick I don't feel sympathetic to him anymore. I'm SORRY you're stuck in a deadend job but like Jesus Christ you can stand to help your grandmother you can stand to help your dad who you LIVE WITH who FEEDS YOU. which you WHINE ABOUT this isn't like "your parents are supposed to help you" anymore because you don't get to be 26 with a job like "noo my dad cooked microwave slop again what will i do" like bc you will go to the grocery store you work at and buy your own dinner if you don't like it!! I hate microwave slop too but I never said a damn word because you know what I wasn't doing? ANYTHING ABOUT IT. and he's been a dick to my siblings too the three youngest of us (there's 6 of us) have our own discord servers with the exact same people in it (the 6 of us and our mom) because its funny but my brother saw my sister deleted 1 message and started like getting on her ass about it I had to go full discord mod and go "hey man I don't care if you're technically right you are 11 years older than her, she is 15, you cannot act like this or people will not like you." and he didn't reply but I know if he did he'd go "Id rather be liked than have people like me" and then I'd kick him from the server because FUCK YOUUU I don't even care that you're nice to me sometimes like that's great and I do appreciate it but you need to handle yourself!!

got off track 6. my ex bf baked my mom cookies. is that weird? my mom thinks so. he has a girlfriend (he said so. to my mom) and my mom thinks it could have been him going through the contacts. he texted me also before which was just "we aren't going to be able to be friends" which is okay but he said he'd block my number. like I wasnt'..... texting him. idc man! I really feel like he has this fantasy (I don't say that to mean he's stupid but I think he does) that I'm going to come back to him! and I'm not going to Im not interested, I broke up with him! I remember when we were talking after the breakup he kept saying "if you want to date again Ill need you to do some things" never with my prompting I never implied I wanted that, and then he ended up listing out what those were and I never asked him and I just think its... yknow.

okay that's all today!! I really doubt most of these will be this long. but look how long! I'd never write this much its way too much. the benefits of a keyboard. I will eventually get my Chromebook to quit the autocorrecting so capital letters will be gone!! okay, goodbye!