My Diary :3

tlmk updated!!! i didnt think itd be so soon! i also thought theyd lock it behind patreon for a week (which would be fair) but i assume this is more of a "i finished a page" and not "we are doing this consistently now" so i dont think that would be. lucritive at all. i also dont have commentary on this page. idk if you noticed but my commentary tends to be "i like x" "i noticed y" because i am not very smart :| and in attempt to not to do that (i think its incredibly embarassing) i have nothing to say at all........... how about you just go read the comic yourself!! and come up with your own thoughts im just here to say i like tlmk and get excited when it updates!!! this one... the image name is iris-page.png thats something. i mean its not really at all but i noticed it. the other ones are scrambled letters or the page number. i think. im not checking. FUCK i just "noticed y" again. well it doesnt count because it is not in the story. i have SAID things ABOUT the story. i said that thing about me being wrong about myers being wrong. thats.... that could be something. technically. grrr. i do rarely gain sentience and have a thought about things. have things to say. its just not happening right now and its frusterating because i do REALLY like the loverman killer i havent been subtle about that! i think about it a lot. why has nothing at all occurred to me.

im playing. boyfriend to death. idk im BOREDD none of my hobbies are appealing at all even a little bit. im retreating to the back end ideas i never thought id get to. i only know of/am interested in 3 of the characters and only very vaguely. but theyre cute. so. i dont have any commentary. (big shocker.) what is there to say. woah that was crazy. wow... im sure glad that isnt happening.... in real life..... im not really good at this type of game. im.... not good at realizing what changes things at all. so im using a guide.

oh i also got rid of the like button on my neocities? on the.... home page. not like... theres no setting for that. i used an extention to hide it. i had on it on ublock and thats great except my chromebook. runs chrome. and chrome. is evil and got rid of ublock. this does help me feel a lot better (i am not checking ever. because i wont even know) but i also cant like anyone elses stuff either... oh well. small price to pay to stop obessing over attention imo.

i wrote out a bunch of my fnaf au. i REALLY have to trim it down and put it in a less conversational tone. i guess thats all i have to say about that. ill shove it on a page one day i dont really know how to organize all this! i made that ref sheet for max, and then i didnt like it, and i couldnt figure out how to organize it.

ive been having. pedophile dreams again. which is just lovely. i really like that i have those dreams, and its so cool that i wake up and think of them all day all the time. not only is it good and healthy of me, its also fun and pleasant. :D no see i cant say that because i have to clarify. NO! I WILL NOT CLARIFY. okay i do i am not a pedophile btw. i was doing that to my therapist yesterday. just constantly. it was the topic for a moment and not only was i struggling with my words anyway, i just had to be like. oh yeah just btw. i am not pedophile :) and it feels SO STUPID but if she thinks i am a pedophile for 1 second i will actually die. because. i am not one. grrr.

new tlmk soon YAYYYY I love you tlmk. i love you. and they said that theyre gonna do flat colors to speed things up a bit which is awesome. YAYY. never kill yourself. see this is the stuff that gets me actually excited. tomodachi life 2? deltarune? fnaf movie 2? who gives a shit. i can miss it. tlmk? absolutely not. i have to stay alive until they stop updating regularly in which case it stops existing and i- ill stop this here you get the point. it feels a bit off to straight up state my life is based on a comic being made by 2 people who have other things to do. LOL.

im at home and now feel 10000% better. IM NEVER LEAVING AGAIN. its warm and mine and i have the whole house and its clean!! well at least clean....er. its not disgusting. but i do need to clean. and i will not. the downside is i need to do laundry, which i havent done in.... 3... weeks? 4 maybe? and i need to do my dishes which i hate. and i need to get the ice. the water in the city my dad lives in is SO much better than the water here. and even at my moms an automatic ice maker is soooo nice. but oh well. still 10000 times better.

im glad i decided to do this because i totally forgot to do my homework and its due. SOON. shoullld be easy though. i think. okay byee

ough bileshroom is doing that randall and tate plush raffle he brought up when they were still being sold. theres a part of me that really does want to enter. i did buy the plushies. they were 80 dollars. but if i win what then yknow. ill end up freaking out and blocking them and hating myself forever and ever. i dont really know HOW this goes i dont know how to do a commission and i cant think of a way to get any semblance of an example. what will he say. what will i say. should i enter just because its good social practice to reply to a post from a person i like and even better social practice if i DO get picked and have to talk to him awkwardly. should i not enter in case that is my tipping point and i kill myself. sorry im still not doing well LOL. i have until easter to decide but of course i will get in my head about entering late. but i wont win. right??? i will not be picked. statistically. maybe i can make my account just offputting enough that they dont block me but they frown and quietly reroll. LMAO. that would be so mean. of them. i dont think that would happen. im scared im scared i am scared of this and im scared. and im really annoyed about being scared. currently my display name is cateract surgery and my pfp is. guess. its cateract surgery. and my only posts are 2 tomodachi life retweets, a baldis basics retweet, and the myers feet post retweet. and my header is (changing.... changing....) is a broken c.ai message. i dont have a lot of pictures id say are mine. that one is though. heres my twitter if you want to look.

i got rid of the comment box on the home page. making it look even more bare. but. thats fine. it was making me self conscious. like i pretend i dont care about attention but i do a lot and the only real way to avoid it is by removing that LOL. which i think.... is fine.

its the next day. we went to the food bank to volunteer for church. which is objectively good but i dont like to do it. i remember one time my mom was like "dont you feel good after doing a good thing like this" and i dont and i end up feeling guilty for not feeling good. which is really awesome. i am upset though. because im still... at my fucking dads house!!! i was told i was going to go home after and she didnt even bring it up. and i feel stupid for not bringing it up but she told me i didnt think id have to go "wait why am i still here" in front of my dad. i want to go home so fucking bad. at least i get to Go Home instead of going to my fucking moms again. im never telling her how i feel again. "oh youre sucidal? what if i fucked up your sleep for a week :) do you feel better. youre smiling you must feel better now. whats wrong? you were doing so good :(" FUCK YOUUUUUU omg now im just WORSE when i am feeling bad!!!! yeah you know where i should go. the house with a gun. not that im going to kill myself but thats why im stuck not being at home right? thats the worry? "i think this isolation stuff is bad" well good job making me never want to see any of you again. :| whatever. i stole some old cigarettes from my dad. maybe he'll notice maybe not. he doesnt smoke anymore idk what they were doing in there. i deserve it. i need to smoke i literally deserve it.

its later. 1 in the morning i went to sleep and woke up and couldnt get back to sleep. can i talk about how terrible my family is at basic cleaning. lets talk about the bathroom that my dad doesnt use, and therefore does nothing to upkeep. it is instead my second and third oldest brother's job. 25 and 22 year old men. the sink is disgusting. there is toothpaste build up, hair, and something??? brown??? stuck to the side? god knows. the floor is covered in hair. becuase they shave like just... onto... the ground. or something. because they are awful. and like... dirt? just like dirt. because it hasnt been cleaned since i last cleaned it. when i lived here. probably a year ago. the counters are messy and are ALSO covered in toothpaste and hair wonderful yayy. and the fucking toilet? these guys have been telling me NO they DONT pee on the floor they dont they dont. they dont pee on the floor, theyre adults they dont pee on the floor. there a ring of yellow around the base of the toilet because they are AWFULLLL THEYRE SO AWFUL I HATE THEM. and they pee on the floor and they dont clean it up!! and the toilet itself is gross, and they obviously pee on the seat and its a gamble to see if theyve flushed it. because they shut the lid and then walk away because they are AWFULLL. so no im never coming back. the other bathrooms are actually significantly better, but mostly by merit of not having the ring of pee on the fucking floor. theyre both also disgusting. i want to go home.

i feel so stupid and whiney ugh. but now ive acknowleged it, so technically its not anymore. take that.

im at my dads :| thats okay. i like my dad. i want to go home though :/ but today was fine. we went to this local place for dinner i havent had in forever. theyre so good i love their food. and then i get to go to lunch tommorow. with my grandma. i drew today. and i put them on here. im thinking of putting some older stuff on here too! but then idk if i should upload the files on here or put and take them from deviantart. i dont know how much space theyll end up taking up. at some point itll be too much right? but then i can just remove the old ones i dont like anymore. idk. i'll have to redo the gallery again though. which is fine.

i dont really have anything else to say. im still suicidal but im in a good mood. i mostly want to update to make it clear i am not... dead. i dont know if people are really thinking abt it that much but i know ive found myself worried about people i follow. and it was a really angry one i was really mad. so.

hii. i told my mom i was feeling suicidal and now. and now i am being punished by being stuck at her house. the computer in the room i sleep in when im here is loud as hell and its SO ANNOYING. its beeping and like making... white noise. im going to kill myself. i already want to go home and its been one night. i know isolation is like... bad for you, but i dont think being Here is Good For Me. i like being home. and alone. idk what to say. i went to therapy today she squeezed me in. and it was.... uncomfortable. so now i have to talk about suicide for the next billion years. my whole thing is that doing things that are hard seem not worth it when i dont feel like i will get better. and now i have to do the work. and i hate this. id rather..... well anyway. my mom suggested outpatient. no. i dont think so. how about i just be suicidal at home and nobody check on me. sigghhh i dont know what i EXPECTED. i just kinda talked to my therapist. i dont feel like that was anything. what did i want? a fix it pill? i want.... to stop wanting to kill myself. whatever!!! but this does suck. usually id ignore this. and then feel better! but thats not sustainable. becuase i do this again. i meant to tell her about my cutting. what is she gonna do? tell me to stop? wow. awesome. my one coping mechinism is gone. im going to start drinking. no its probably not in my best interest tbh. i think im not like ADDICTED or whatever i think ill get over it as i (if i) get better.

my mom is arguing with my sister. which is just great. its always that serious for sure. my mom definitely does that thing where you build something up and then yell about it without ever addressing it before. and that thing thats like "dont start crying! you dont have anything to cry about" which i hate because ive never been really able to control my crying and i figure my sister has the same problem and when someone is mad at you yelling at you what the fuck are you supposed to do?? suck it back in?? like tbh just stfu say your stuff dont be like "wow youre upset because this feels bad????" thats so fucking stupid. "you dont deserve to feel bad" okay well. i do. what am i supposed to do. KILL MYSELF???? and she doesnt do it to ME but like it really doesnt make me want to talk to her yknow. you cant have it both ways. i dont even want to be here!! i definately dont want to hear you yelling at my sister. and like shes probably not doing the right thing either but youre 50 with years of therapy and experience and shes 15 without any of that so when you start yelling i do actually think its your job to step back and recognize thats the wrong thing to do. i mean, fuck, how the hell do expect her to learn that? GOD and i really dont want to be here. i was having a pretty good time i was joking with my sister but i feel bad again. my mom is going to be like "i thought you were doing better" i feel such a pressure to be miserable when im in a down slump like this because otherwise im better. and its not like she doesnt know that its not that but this isnt even a "progress isnt linear" this is me being sucidal and also having other emotions. maybe i should play happy instead and go home. but then im going to pull the rope out again and turn around anyway so whatever. i dont want to be here. its not like even want to be home. im always thinking "ive gotta get out of here". imagining just like going for a walk in a straight line and never turning back around. and yknow. killing myself. but its worse to be here and suicidal than at home and sucidal because i have some control at home. my dad invited me to stay at his house for the weekend which..... i cant. i cant! i dont have enough control over it. i love my dad and would love to stay with my dad for whatever period of time but i cant live in the dirty house with the awful shower with the terrible access to food (not that i ever eat at home but ill want to as soon as i get there) with my horrible brothers i just cant do it. i had a taste of some control over my space i cant go back. its the main reason i cant just drop out. like my middle older brother is 25 and he doesnt even have a job living at my dads, i have.... yknow whatever time i need im sure. but i cant go back. i cant. and i cant live here unless im in school or working. and im not going to work. ever. im going to kill myself instead LOL. slash srs. dont worry i can put it off for when i graduate. at this pace it will be 10000 years.

i opened instagram for five seconds and saw a post so annoying i got mad. "wow i just do this thing because i like it and you politely asking me to stop, just telling me that it personally bothers you on a personal not at all related to me soley your own problem level is SO FUCKING EVILLLL you HATE FUN and REAL ONES just let me walk all over them. i mean dont dislike anything i do." what the fuck am i supposed to do? i am overwhelmed by notifications. i do not like being triple texted. "you dont have to respond" you dont have to send them :) goes both ways. like idk what to say, i dont like it. maybe im evil and i have hate in my heart and i should kill myself. yeah i fucking hate spam liking. no, i dont give a shit you just casually went through my posts and liked all of them, I DONT LIKE IT???? am i not allowed to not like it. should i just fucking kill myself i know im overreacting. imagine the thing that makes your heart rate spike (in a bad way) is a notification or an unread notification and then i make that happen 20 times a day and you go "can you not" and i go "youre a heartless bitch" thats how it feels thats how i feel. "i see texting as dropping a little letter in your mailbox" you know what would be infinitely better. a letter. in my mailbox. I WANT TO GO HOMEEEE

thats about all i have to talk about. unfortchies. haha.

i keep hearing minecraft music. living mice. only in one ear. i know its not stuck in my head bc its only the first few seconds. also i can never remember what it is until it happens. i googled it it could be tinitus which makes sense, because it tends to happen when im in bed, which is when im most likely to have my ears ring. im so tired today. i was going to go to church this morning but then the weather was bad and it made me freak out and cry because i am scared of weather. i am scared of wind im sooo scared its gonna break my window. IM HEARING IT AGAIN. its only in one ear, it sounds external, its so weird!!!! at least i know its me now, i was so confused the first night.

im doing.... bad. i think maybe my period makes me suicidal. i know thats a thing that can happen but i always assumed it wouldnt happen to me bc im on birth control! and its not supposed to do that. allegedly. but maybe its true. it does suck, i do hate wanting to kill myself. i get so sensitive. but its like.... bad. i cut myself last night. and the night before. which i dont usually do. i think the knife im using is too sharp? i dont cut very deep but i try to bleed. generally. but my knife is too good. so i bleed without a lot of pain. as opposed to my kitchen knife which i assume tears the skin more and therefore hurts more. and then hurts... the next day.... and then when im still upset i just kinda scratch my thighs and dont cut myself. and YES i use knives and not razors made for skin im not BUYING stuff to cut myself with. i cut my thighs which was suuuper smart of me because as much as i want to be caught. thats embarassing. im 20 and cutting myself? nobody can know (also my wrists are so thin i do feel like im gonna slice into that. tendon. or whatever. which makes me uncomfortable. i dont want to really hurt myself. like i do but yknow i dont.). BUT I forgot like.... i do like swimming? and i do have scars. and idk what im gonna do LOL. my shorts are long enough to cover (thank god i do like shorts) but swim trunks tend to be shorter? and in water they could ride up.... but then also in water nobody is looking. fortunately ive been wearing swim shorts (which suck) for years (because i hate my fucking ass being out while i swim.) so being like "oops i lost the tiny shorts i guess i need swim trunks theyre easier to find anyway" should be.... fine.

anyway. i reread tlmk. not that its super long. a comic is a quick read. but i noticed all the photos in the background at the diner carla and mac and dick were at. i also find myself going back to the page where the radio is too loud. idk. thats stupid. hes so me. hes really not but i really like myers. idk if youve noticed LMAO. hes so cute. hes so cute when he sees valentine for the first time. i like valentines outfit too though. and his tramp stamp. and his nipples. i figure we'll see it again. i mean i guess we dont need to see the outfit again. i do fall into the trap of wanting more for no real reason. idrk where the story is going. not an insult i just dont know. there was a point where i thought myers could have been wrong about val being the loverman killer? i think i was wrong, i think he had enough information to be right about that, but its still funny to imagine. he came in his pants about it. wouldnt that be so funny if val reads the article and goes "what is this, this has nothing to do with me or what i do". also the line "how many freaks could there be near by that have 6 fingers?" is... funny. i think thats when i noticed myers had 6 fingers. now i know theres like 100 of them. members of his family who also have 6 fingers. not fingers. okay ill shut up for now. im considering (idk if i will) making a page about tmlk. and purple. and a couple other things i like.

i told my mom i was considering tutoring and so now i have to and i genuinely. i dont think i can do it. i know i really really shouldnt drop out and not tell my mom but i really.... really. really want to. or kill myself. this is stressing me out so bad. my mom is gonna get mad at me no matter what i do i may as well do the one that i want to do which is not. do. the tutoring. im having one of those bad times where im not ignoring the fact i am unable to do anything and i dont have a future. its not that im not... aware that life sucks for everyone but i think im going to kill myself about it. ugh. idk. and im embarassed about this. i wish i had therapy tommorow. not that i think itll help but i never end up talking about it.

TOMODACHI LIFE 2 LETS GOOOO!!! YAYYY IM SO HAPPY and its for the switch! switch... 1. i thought itd be for the switch 2 which would suck bc then id have to buy one but no!! its next year yayy!!!! im so exciiited im so happpyy. i love you tomodachi life. for a little bit i was thinking "why did they make the island long" but the original island(s the one in tomodachi collection is similar) is shaped to the ds. so. the switch has a longer screen. LOL. or do i mean wider i think i mean wider. the ds actually has a longer screen. the more you know.... i think we're in the clear on being gay i sort of assume miis will all be pansexual? but i can also imagine on the mii creator page itll say like "miis i like" and itll have the pink and blue bathroom signs. i really... dont know if itll have nonbinary options? acnh was pretty good with their "style" but that doesnt really apply here because (in english. where you can do this) they straight up never gender you at all which i dont think you can do in tomodachi life. because its like... youre not the main character interacting with at most 2 people at a time yknow. youre watching a whole bunch of people have drama. i assume youll be able to change it at least unlike in life (for some reason??? what a stupid choice...) but like miis are already... there... with their assigned genders. i sure hope you can give them they/them pronouns but i dont have an idea of how itll be implemented. ultimately ill like the game anyway. more tomodachi life. im shocked it is tomodachi life 2 and not... tomodachi 3. yknow? idk how popular collection was. i hope this means we'll get a better wiki. people seem to LOVE this game but the wiki is ASSSSSSSS. i feel like. i dont remember why i think its ass but i remember it being ass. i opened up miitopia to make miis. practice. i sort of hope we can transfer the makeup over (because i do think we are getting it miis had eye shines and i think a couple other things) because it is a bit of a hassle to do. but its okay if not. i never really actually played miitopia? i played a very small amount but i only really got it for the makeup LOLL.

i finished my booooks. it was a series of unfortunate events. its good. now i can reread the fnaf books finally. look i hadnt finished the series and i started in MIDDLE SCHOOOL i had to finish eventually!!!!! but now on to the books i actually wanted to read LOLL. there was a couple times in the series where i was like "woah, ive gotta keep reading!" but it was usually pretty easy for me to put down aside from these very last books. spoilers.... if you want to read them yourself. but i think the very last chapter where violet is reading her dads writing and its like "oh btw if its a girl itll be violet and if its a boy itll be lemony" i thought that was a little on the nose. dont get me wrong, i kept really wanting them to say his name explicitly (especially bc kit was almost never without her last name so the fact that lemony is a stupid ass name on its own would be fine) and they NEVER did, but yknow a lot of stuff i wanted to be said explcitly, and it wasnt, and thats fine thats books. it happens in books. but then they bring it up so forced i felt like mr handler felt a little bad never putting his self insert author character's name in. i also think the last word shouldnt have been beatrice but also well i can let that one slide. i mean i dont think hes following these kids lives specifically for reasons unrelated to the woman he likes. im shocked he held out this long. but okay what the hell. did their dad (i think his name was in there once I FORGOT ITTT) think of that? of naming their son after the man who wanted his wife so bad. surely.... surely they... knew. maybe not. i feel like they did. i feel like thats why klaus is klaus and not lemony. or maybe one of them was like "we cannot do lemony baudelaire thats so mean. thats wicked and cruel." or maybe one of them found out he wasnt dead idk. its possible. maybe its implied its 13 books. ive been trying to read this since like last summer. i dont remember. for a while i actually thought that their mother was the sister, because they kept avoiding her name? i mean they refused to say names at all ever nobody got a name ever. anywayy thats book thoughts. i wasnt very good at english class and i never once did a book report. maybe ill be more deliberate with the fnaf books, since ive read them before, and want to include anything interesting in my au, and im not scared of getting spoilers.

sigh. i deleted a big rant about a bunch of stuff i didnt like seeing. i dont like being on the internet but of course i also do like it, yknow. i dont plan on quitting entirely, just posting. i will keep 1, but very short. i think the reaction cis people have to mpreg, saying things like its gross and weird, is blatantly and obviously transphobic. yes, even though mpreg is a fetish, and yes, even though it often isnt trans people. "men being pregnant is gross" is transphobic. youre not saying this about a female centered pregnancy fetish, its not about the fetish, youre just grossed out at the concept that a man can be pregnant. okay. okay okay. so many bad takes about ai are on my twitter for you page (which i went back to. obviously why would i not do that i just hate it). i will not write a big paragraph i wont but i dont think human made art has a soul. and i do not care about the sanctity of the label artist, though i do believe people who use ai to make their art/images should be clear about it. i think these are bad arguments against ai. i think you should use better arguments. instead of the bad ones.

YAYY HE DID IT he drew it YAYYY here it is im so happy. i am excited to share. i really expected more of a doodle. this is like a full ass drawing!! i didnt think i could get feet pics (of his character) without a commission. not that im against commissioning him i am just shy. its scary im scared. maybe i should though like supporting an artist i like aside this rush is crazy. i need MORE people to draw for me. NOW!!!! this is what finally convinces me to get a job LMAO jk. anyway its so good. and hes so cute. i really like myers. have i mentioned i love the loverman killer because i love the loverman killer. he does have 6 toes. 2 pinky toes. just like his hands. haha im so happy about this i keep looking at it. i really like the pose. his belly is out a little bit.... and the hair..... i feel like im beating around the bush here. his feet. look good. i want to lick them. i am embarassed that i like feet even though it is by far my most normal possible fetish. ignore the fact that i asked for myers feet drawing. its unrelated to his feet. i was just baiting bileshroom to draw myers. YOU DONT KNOW. i dont even like feet i dont even want a footjob from myers. ohh jesus christ thats so hot hnnghh

okay that aside i will have a real entry. im doing okay. i had class today which was fine i dont mind my precalc class. i got my major switched and my class picked out though i actually cant enroll until next week which i didnt know. its based on credits which makes sense. if you have most of your credits you probably should be the first people to get into a class becuase like it would be annoying if some random freshman took the last class from you. im taking some boring easy class, calculus, and ENGLISH COMP NOOOO i dont like english classes they stress the fuck out of me. im not even really bad at them. i am good at doing school. but i HATE them. my mom thinks i should try to get my brother's professor becacuse she was like. not too bad. idk. im very stressed still. i need like... an easy solution. like smoking. cigarettes.... (dreamy voice and stars and hearts. around a cigarette. someones probably made that before im sure. like on smoking twitter or something where theyre all 13). i smoked a little bit as a teenager and i did like it. i enjoyed my smoking. it was probably better for my teeth becuase id brush my teeth vigorously so i wouldnt get caught. and like neutral on my lungs i dont think my lingering desire is the 3 weeks of smoking when i was 15 i think its being exposed to cigarettes every day of my life since i was concieved until very recently. idk if thats a real thing but it certainly cant help. but my heart probably wouldnt do well. whatever

i guess things are boring. i ate a potato for dinner i didnt order food even though i really wanted to. i need to upload that self ship drawing but i want to make it look a bit nicer my pencil sucked ass. ummm. i have this idea for this fnaf au. even more removed from my current one. it would be like my current one but focused on the ghost kids. max did die when he died instead of living so hes a ghost too. shes a ghost too. theyre a ghost too. i think she/they roxy. because theyd be roxy they wouldnt have had the time to even develop the name max. idk what to do with it i think the fun is primarily the kinds of ghosts they are and what that means... in my au. roxy is a poltergiest. evan is a banshee. theyre not evil or anything theyre not the evil kinds of ghosts. mean maybe. violent. not evil. the missing children and elizabeth are stuck to their... objects. their animatronics. charlie would have access to hers and can control hers (though less so with lefty) but she can go wherever she wants shes not stuck to them. maybe she can talk to living people? garett will probably also be there as an outside no-attatched-object ghost. charlie is the main character and she goes around and finds the other kids. a bigger cast of side character ghosts is better. can give them information. liz i think may find some way to join her (something like the novels maybe). liz has the ability to speak through her object (circus baby) so maybe thats part of it. and roxy is my oc and my dear baby so i think she would have a larger role but im not thinking main cast. roxy resents being a ghost but still keeps themself (as opposed to say evan and some of the missing kids, who i will name if/when i get there, who.... lose themself. this isnt a unique concept i think its literally in the fnaf movie). and is a poltergiest the big joke i have with that is that she smokes real cigarettes and does nothing else with the ability. which is dangerous bc you can trap a poltergiest theyre limited by the physical world. but they dont care. they smoke. theyre cool. (dont smoke guys i know what i said earlier but it is bad for u and others). micheal can be there and he can probably talk to ghosts. i think i want some living kid too probably abby because shes already like able to do this. i keep falling to gregory as if i know literally anything about security breach. is gregory even a human???? is gregory. alive. so anyway its charlie abby and liz trying to...... thats part of the problem. trying to what? help the ghosts move on? this is kinda part of maxs story and its certainly something im brushing over because it seems like the way to do it by game lore is kill william afton and then for everyone that didnt help you set them on fire. which ummmm. not ideal. i do not want to set michael on fire but i do think he also deserves to die. in a good way. hes purple hes.... he needs to go to heaven now. but "kill william afton" on its own is WAYY too obvious and easy!! the reason they didnt do that in the game for so long is because they are ghosts. and also... they did do that!!! idk man. maybe they have to repent this is just an explicitly christian story about dead kids finding god. LOLLLL. idk. if i can ever figure that out i could maybe write the story but idk if i ever will figure that out so all that will come of this is... this.

okay ill do a real entry today. im at my momsss. like i said i was doing. today i playyyed. minecraft. duh. i fought the wither. i think im bored of minecraft even though its been like a week. but oh well. i ran out of minecraft streams. yesterday we played basketball and i am good at shooting but not much else. then we came home and ate dinner and my brothers played amongus but i didnt want to play because theres only so much 5 people trying to be the funniest person in the room (2 of which are only being funny for themself) that i can take. but we got ice cream and i got this huge shake and im stilll drinking it.today not much happened but i got a pink monster and a coconut water. pink monster just tastes like monster. is it even flavored? maybe i dont drink monster enough to know. purple monster goes crazy. v flavored.

i actually wrote something about requesting the myers feet drawing yesterday when i did it. i was scared he was going to be mad. which is part of why i was so excited when he wasnt mad. NO i dont know why hed be mad thats not the POINT. one day ill commission him to draw frey fucking lex. but not today. the funniest thing is that i dont really have a foot fetish? like i do but its very specific. cute cartoony paws. (Like. fang animal crossing). and like specific people who strike my fancy. myers. i dont know what it is about myers i know hes disgusting. if he was real i wouldnt like him but i do want to bury my face in his disgusting unwashed ass. because hes not real so its not real gross. not to be a fake smell liker. myers has 6 toes. i think. i have a drawing saved on my phone where he has 6 toes i assume that remains true even though this drawing is old. valentine is still green with tits old. i guess ill find out

i guess thats all i have to say. im drawing a little selfshipping page. fang and frey and gaspar. hehe. ill post it here but i am still using my self ship tumblr. bc it makes me happy. okay thats all i think. bye bye!!

that was me who sent that. hehe. just had to share

i always forget toby fox went by radiation. like i know the format toby "radiation" fox spells it out for me but i always read it like a middle name. then ill see some old mspa forum post by andrew hussie and its like "radiation put this in his song" and its like woah. what if in undertale when you leave the ruins it says "UNDERTALE by radiation" instead of toby fox. i should replay undertale and deltarune. chapter 3 is gonna come out this year (right thats like for sure? i think that we do know that im not checking) but im not ready to Play A Game Again. I played purple so recently it was like... july. wait last july thats like 8 months ago. if i had a pregnancy fetish id draw art of. something. pregnant randall idk. i do not though. i could draw fat randall. i mean its not the same but thats more accurate to my fetishes. feeder stuff. omg hed be so cute. wait maybe i should for realsies. youll never know if i did im not showing you. unless i really really like it and think its good.

I did maxsss ref sheet thing. im probably not going to upload it today becuase i need to make it look... better. somethings off. i want to make a cow oc. probably a girl i think thats how i imagine her. with big titties OBVIOUSLY SHES A COW she makes milk. probably not really. maybe idk. maybe she can dress slutty. i dunno. or maybe a boob window i do like a good boob window. none of my ocs have big tits they have average to small tits. except bailey. i mean lex did but then he got top surgery. i drew him one time pre and post top and bottom surgery and for some reason i didnt really make his boobs that big? i dont really know why. not true to him hes got big tits. well he had. now he has small tits like EVERYONE ELSE. CONFORMIST. jk good for him. zoe could have gotten bigger boobs but she started completely flat chested. and then i thought it was mean to line her up with a bunch of men with boobs and not give her even a little boob. so i gave her a little boob. max has small boobs bc he started t when he was 11. sasha is flat chested. ermine! is a bug she doesnt have boobs. the robot baliey is a robot she doesnt have boobs. so i need a big titty cow oc. but what do i DO with her i dont want to just make an oc. shes gotta be someones friend. she can work at freddys with max. omg BETHANY has big tits i dont ever think about her. because shes just maxs coworker when he needs one who isnt like a fnaf character LOL. maybe. i could make bethany. a cow girl. probably not. she could be one of lexs friends. lex probably knows a whole bunch of random ass people becuase hes been everywhere and on foot. lex was kicked out when he was 15 he was homeless for a while. hes fine (hes not) but he pretty much walked from north carolina to utah over the span of 5 years. so hes probably met some people!! kicked out for being trans. zoe (and a couple other siblings theres 20 of them total) opted to hide it but lex was the first to be out and proud! out and angry. and his parents showed exactly what they did with that information.... zoe still keeps up lex would rather set them on fire. not because zoe thinks theyre good people shes just a bit more of a doormat when it comes to this kind of thing. she doesnt want to make trans people look bad by standing up for herself at all in any way. "dressing like a man to go see our parents only hurts really deep inside, which is where id push it down to anyway." she says. "you should set them on fire" lex replies. and she cant not visit them..... thats her family... most of her family is locked behind visiting her parents. she cares a lot about her family. lex just cares about zoe.

speaking of ocs and the animal characters i do not know what to call the animal people. i dont know what to call them. they range from full on furries to people with just cat ears (and sometimes just people with the genes but no visible traits) and can be pretty much any animal but mammals are most common. this is not like a unique concept at all even a little bit but NOBODY has a good name. NOBODY. therian has connotations of... humans. who believe they are animals (no shade to the therian community love you idk how else to phrase this. i dont mean "believe" derogitorily or anything.) therianthropy has less of the connotation (imo?) but is also clunky. beast is... idk when i hear beast i think of the beast from beauty and the beast not like. any animal. i know thats what it MEANS but again connotaions. anything-folk sounds bad. some words i like. critter and fauna are okay except i want a distinction between these people and on fours non humanoid animals. and if im gonna tack people on the end i may as well stick with animal people. hybrid is nice and simple and you can tell what i mean. except i dont want people to think theyre actually hybrids. (i dunno what they ARE its really not important. theyre not literally animal human hybrids. lexs parents arent a dog and a human). a lot of suggestions want to split them up by species, which i understand, but i think defining a group as "people with animal features" is not.... too hard to imagine. just because some of those people look like preying mantises and others... are humans with cat ears, we are in a world with humans and animals, so its easy to group this.... group! i know what they call themselves. they call themself the animal. "im a racoon, my family is mostly lizards, but theres some raccoons on my mothers side" "im a preying mantis, my family is humans idk what happened here." its the group i need to name. "im an... animal person. havent you met animal people? we arent as common as humans but we arent really uncommon." idk im still working on it. i could definately make it reigonal. i think the lucky family in north carolina may call themselves critterfolk (i think animal crossing is making that sound appealing. animal crossing.... city folk.) while sasha from california calls themself.... something else. but there has to be something for ME to call them, i think. something shorter than animal people!

oc talk aside. i havent been sleeping like i should... its been like going to bed at 4 am stuff which is realllly not good. thats just like making everything else worse. im going to try to go to bed on time tonight. ive also been SOO HORNY. idk if ive been horny or just like Wanting To Jerk Off but i need to CALM DOWN with this!!! ive masturbated like every day this week. which i dunno. im allowed to do that but i generally prefer how it feels when i wait a bit yknow. LOL. maybe its like... i need the dopamine or whatever. i ordered food again tonight thats whataburger for the 3rd time this week and its wednesday. im not kidding. saturday sunday today. im going to my moms tommorow i think so ill eat something else. i dont WANT to go to my moms tommorow but i will. i feel like im WASTING my spring break. i should be........... killing myself. no no i should be savoring or something. i feel this way every single day always though. constant constant constant stress. i have a canker sore i think its because omg stress. always stress stress stress stress. about what? literally nothing. but im going to send myself to an early grave with this stufff. im always on edge. UGH. i put salt on it. one time i did that and it made me cry but this time it wasnt really that bad? it seemed to help actually. it does something. disinfects it maybe? most advice is "buy something" and i dont drive.

i have to come to terms with "good artist" does not mean "person i want to follow". sometimes people have annoying ass posting styles and i cant follow them even though they have good ocs. its not my fault theyre on twitter. tbf its not even their fault where do you even go if you want to be a porn and gore artist?? tumblr wont have porn. bluesky wont have gore. instagram LMAO JK. nowhere else has... people. but it is their fault they retweet everything in the world. i suppose they could make a website haha... but i understand why this isnt appealing to everyone. its definitely not the same.

i made some. spam today. mmm. i do like spam. im terrified of cooking meat and i was under the impression spam was raw? its not. if you undercook spam it doesnt even really taste that much worse. i was going to order a poke bowl from this local place but on door dash its 35 fucking dollars and on the website (where it is cheaper much more reasonable) i dont think they deliver i think they only do pickup. and i do not drive. so i made spam they had this yummy looking spam thing and i thought "wow i wish i had that" and made only spam. i wish i had avocados i wish avocados werent so... tenuious. theyre such a crappy food to like becuase theyre SOOOO good but theyre impossible to have regularly. but itd be so good. avocado spam and rice??? grrggdgh. sounds so good.

i did buy the bowl even though it was 35 dollars. it was good and i got this strawberry matcha latte which is okay. matcha is really hit and miss this ones. okay. and the strawberry doesnt go with the flavor very well. i was enticed by the pretty green and red when i shouldve been enticed by delicious mango smoothie i was GOING to buy before i saw this one. (edit actually it was really good at the halfway point. maybe it needed to be watered down?) i think id eat a lot more of i just ordered all my food. im so skinny i worry im still losing weight but i dont have a scale. i barely eat anything........... i literally want to be fat but its not in it for me i think. i think i SHOULD be like... not bony. i may even be able to get fat if the Eating Food wasnt a problem but i eat fuck all. my mom attributes every health issue i could possibly have to poor diet, and like yes, i suppose, my breakouts and hair loss and eczema and canker sores COULD be a result of me eating the same way i have been since i was a kid, but i have to imagine if it was dietary then i would. already. have been experienceing this stuff? i actually think my breakouts my be caused by me washing my face. which i never did for a long time (because i dont breakout. LOL) but my mom gave me face wash and i dont wanna waste it.... so ive been using it and maybe its making me break out? i dont CARE that i am i actually like it (it feels more masculine in my opinion??? i dunno.)(except mine is cringe and i cant even pop it). its just the combination that and everything else makes me think its. i dunno stress. im gonna die becuase i have to take two whole classes in college. the horror (i need to kill myself). but anyway its not like i ate WELL at home. im eating much better here. i dont know what to tell you mom.

speaking of needing to kill myself im doing. worse yayy. im not even in a bad mood for the most part its just yknow. passive suicidality. stress over nothing. scared of everything in the world. cant go outside. cant make myself do things. i showered today im usually a night showerer but i havent showered in like 3 days. which is sooo cool and awesome. i dont like showering i dont like being naked. i dont like being in the bathroom at all bc of the big fuckass mirrror in there that i cant even cover because its the medicine cabinet (though i still think im going to cover it i cannot look at my stupid ugly face just because i need to pee anymore). im usually pretty good with showering though i like feeling clean. and i can usually do the dishes. it doesnt take me all week like it has been. dental hygiene is always a problem its the last thing on my list when i KNOW it should be like if i do NOTHING else i should brush my teeth. but brushing teeth (and flossing UGH) are proof god isnt real. i hate it so much. i dunno. im not even doing that bad. nothings WRONG i cant KILL MYSELF thats embarassing. i need something worse to be up with me so then i can properly feel bad. which i KNOWWW is the bad thing to think. i see a lot of people who are doing awful though so im convinced its like a personal issue that im struggling when im probably depressed and i am like debilitatingly anxious. BUT see that stuff doesnt count because a) im not as depressed as most depressed people. i think and b) there ARE people more anxious than me. and c) i have a lot of support i dont have or NEED a job i have pretty well off parents who support me. i dunno. im in therapy! i think it helps. i think im someone who it can help and not someone who has a very stigmatized mental illness for whom therapy is instead unhelpful and/or dangerous. if someone is drinking more than you theyre the alchoholic not you! i tell myself just because someone is doing worse doesnt mean you dont get to be doing bad. but then like also are you even doing bad. you can probably just not be but youre an attention seeking loser. is that my dad talking. my dad who never asks for help even when he needs it desperately and always thought i was a lying attention seeking kid even when i needed help. he never said that of course. but he acted like it. i dunno.

i hate being touched my mom always kinda tries to touch my shoulders. its really painful for me my shoulders and neck are horribly sensitive and touching them... hurts for some stupid ass reason (fortunately clothes and my hair dont bother me. thank god. like they can in some circumstances but not passively. but i think that fact plays into the fact people didnt believe me) but she always grabs the sides of my shoulder instead of... i dunno. not grabbing me at all usually its 100% unnecessary. the sides of my shoulders are not as sensitive but are more sensitive than the rest of me (which is already pretty sensitive). and shes always squeezing me! and i know she doesnt mean to hurt me but it does hurt. so stop doing it. i dont think she believes me. nobody believed me about my shoulders until my dad decided to grab me until i started sobbing. completely unprompted idk why the hell he did that. thats not like a thing he does he didnt want to Hurt Me On Purpose he just straight up thought i was lying about this completely stupid thing that i dont gain from at all. everyone thinks im lying about my pain. i am sensitive to pain things hurt me more than you. "ohh that didnt hurt" yes the fuck it did??? why would i lie. what would i gain from lying. your pity? i think doing this for 10 years and not gaining anyones pity is a good sign thats not whats happening. its probably autism which is annoying as hell.

haha okay so this is funny. i was playing minecraft getting ancient debris, and when im climbing back up minecraft just wont work. it keeps teleporting me back to the same spot, i cant open my barrel or pick up broken blocks, mobs are frozen. not good and its not resolving. when i close and reopen it sits at 100% loaded and doesnt open. scary. close the game and reopen entirely. same problem. scarier. restart my computer and it STILL does it. okay fuck this world is corrupted. fuck. fuck. it does open EVENTUALLY. and when i get back up and minecart up to my portal it freezes AGAIN. but it goes back. so i get out of the nether and see that my string duper? is on. its been on the entire time. its got 1 double chest to hold all the string and it ends up having almost 8 double chests worth of string just SITTING THERE. so. thats probably why it broke. i may as well break the string duper ill never need it again. jesus. guys do NOT use exploits they will be TOO good. i just now beat the ender dragon and got an eeeelytra yayy. with all my sick ass netherite stuff. i suppose theres reason to go to the end BEFORE you enchant everything and make your best armor but.... ohhhh well. i didnt do that.

hellooo. im a pretty good mood. played minecraft mostly all day. made a SICK gold farm shout out ianxofour it goes crazy and you dont need to get 1 billion magma blocks. so ive got 2 diamond armor peices fully enchanted yayy. i read a little. during the day! did half the putting away laundry (folding it) but not the putting it away part which i hate doing bc its super tiring. i had lunch but not dinner. which is often the case, next to dinner but not lunch. i think lunch but not dinner is better though because i will snack at dinner time when im hungry but not enough to make food, but for dinner but no lunch i WONT snack around lunch time because ive got spoil my appitite itll only be a couple hours mindset. which is dumb but whatever.

yesterday i went to my moms for church and laundry. we usually go to the shorter 8oclock service, but my mom woke up late but really wanted to go so we went to the 10oclock service. horrible. too many kids for one. which is FINNEE parents go to church too but it bothers me. but kids get a pass. adults. SHUT UP. SIT STILL. WHY ARE YOUR SHOES SQUEAKING i had to go to the bathroom during the sermon because i was so annoyed by people TALKING. DURING CHURCH?????? man maybe the church i grew up at was strict but WHAT???? ARE YOU 9!! (they were not they were like 30. they werent even talking about church. SHUT UP??) anyway so if she decides that again im not going. also they sing. and i dont HAVE to sing but church songs are like 90 verses. youre like "this must be the last one" and its not. it never is. and they all sound like shit.

but the rest of the day was p good! my grandma cousin and i were going to go thrift shopping but theres about 0 thrift stores around us open on sundays. which is kinda funny. so we went to dollar tree and i got this huge bunny plush my grandma was insistent on it. im not going to say no. and i got a mlp fim coloring book. its most g5 stuff obviously but the rare g4 stuff is a treat. g5 is unfortunately... ugly. imo. then we went to 5 below. i got this sick rug (it is green checker its kinda ugly but its a rug and thats mostly what i wanted.) and this hello kitty water thing that i shouldve thought twice on (it sucks) but... well i got it. and now i own it. anddd a bed canopy thing? yknow those tulle things that hang from the ceiling with the hoop? i gotta get the thing in my ceiling but it will be epic. and pencils! mechanical pencils. i needed them. and i have them. and then when we got home i did homework it was easy and satisfying to do. and now it is spring break. yayy!

i started this one yesterday (i usually start an entry but i dont always finish it) and i had something depressing about how i dont think any personal non collective active to be environementally friendly is really worth it. which i do sort of believe. doomerism is true we will die early and the planet is doomed. ect but im not in a bad mood anymore so i deleted it. but im not POSTING these in the bad mood? i just wanted to archive... that thought. in my diary. but while im here why do people say "ummm actually, the planet is a rock, it has been here and it will stay. its humans that will die haha"! okay??? this isnt even being pedantic this is just nothing. youre saying nothing. also youre saying LESS bc its not JUST humans that will die, IDIOT. useless nothing statement. "the planet will die" does not mean "the rock we live on will die." it is a rock. it means "the things on earth, the life that makes us unique, will die." dumbass.

tumblr users who act too cool for tumblr are the worst (dw ive unfollowed everyone on my dash who acts like this). "the quirky fandom bloggers are losers and the cool weed smoking bloggers are also losers LOL. unlike me, the go outsider" YOURE A LOSER TOOO. youre posting about loser shit on a dead blogging website why are you acting better than the other users of your app. baffling. "go outside" you first if you went outside you wouldnt be posting about how people on tumblr are losers. you want tumblr clout from people who think theyre not losers. yknow whats outside? LOSERS. you wouldnt know you dont talk to people either!!! "umm well i do talk to people and theyre not losers" well see thats becuase youre the one talking about the cringe OTHER NOT ME tumblr users, making YOU the loser of the group. do your real life friends know you think the people on tumblr who act like you but totally fake are cringe? i dont know why loser was the word i chose for this one i think it was spurred by a post. maybe tumblr isnt for you. you dont have to post. you dont have to be in a fandom. if you dont like the posts in the fandom or posting in a fandom maybe do something you like.

i think thats all i got. goooodbye.

helloo. it was super windy yesterday it was scary. loud. im scared of weather. i dont think i have much to say today. played minecraft. im going to church tommorow (so i can bring my laundry to my moms) (its been 3 weeks). ive been craving a lot of sour cream. so then i eat some sour cream. did my dishes this morning. i swear i did have more to say.

im glad my tumblr is pruned to transfeminists. i used to have to be a little scared id come across some dumbass post about how trans women and trans men should be sucking and fucking instead of addressing misogyny ever but i dont anymore which is nice. shout out to that. speaking of tumblr theres a tumblr tiktok tab now. on the app. nobody has adressed it at all on my dash. i clicked on it once and proceeded to ignore it.

did "have" instead of "half" today. and vice versa a while back. im losing my mind i swear i hear the church bells at random times even though i know they only ring every hour.

(im going through my notes app for misc thoughts that i havent done yet). umm. i dont play connections every day but i dont give a shit if the category is stupid. theres no such thing as a stupid category imo. i really just want to see four categories. thats the appeal to me.

(cw for eating disorder mentions) deleted twitter off my phone. its too easy to go to the for you page, which is evil and constantly trying to give me an eating disorder. which is partially my fault, the venn diagram of some... unnamed communities i DO like and the ed one is a circle. but it doesnt make me feel good. i dont worry about developing one i just like fat people and dislike 3000 posts about how fat people are disgusting. i know not everyone with an ed feels that way but everyone on ed twitter does i think. if it doesnt show me that (this is 3 and it got away from me. but i feel like if i delete it im a bad person. SORRY) it says "umm did you guys know lolicon/pedophilia/zoophilia is bad?" and it gets in my head because im costantly telling it i dont want to see that stuff. because why am i being shown that? does twitter know im secretly a pedophile? which im not but what if i am? and then it shows me...... the opposite which i dont wanna see either!! but then sometimes i do it on purpose. just to make sure i feel like puking. gotta stretch those morality muscles. that what we all do right we look at a thing thats bad so we can feel disgusted and reassure ourselves that we feel disgusted. looking for "william afton x reader" on ao3 and forgetting to filter anything because its been a while since ive looked for something. yeesh. and how many words is this one, so i can maybe see if i stomach it. and if i can i should kill myself. im fine. its.... fine. im normal. i dont have therapy this week, so i will just push it down. which IS morally wrong, i need to tell everyone so i can be registered as a sex offender. for thinking about reading something so awful. just to see if its gross? you dirty liar, you secretly want to get off on it. but you just feel guilty about it. so thats why it makes you sick but regular people would just scroll away and never think about it again. YOU are going to go back to it and read it because youre a pedophile. ... and i didnt this time (thank god) but ive done that before and it only makes me feel worse! but i almost... feel worse NOT reading it!! i feel like im scared im not going to be grossed out!!! GRGH. so anyway thats why i deleted twitter off my phone. i have an extention on my puter that gets rid of it so i dont even know how to go to the for you page. so. epic win. im NOT a pedophile. this doesnt make me a pedophile. avoiding this stuff makes me LESS of a pedophile. and by less i mean like negative, because i was already at 0 OKAYYYY SHUT UPPPPP JESUS CHRIST. as i said once on tumblr "how many points do i lose by editing this repeatedly to make sure i sound less like a pedophile.

actually before i leave i have one more thing. one thing... that does FEEL good but maybe isnt the best thing about me not posting is that im not terrified of posting some opinion and getting a reply like "oh okay so now the xyz is preaching to us about this?". obviously xyz is usually pedophile (which caused me to panic private my posts a lot) bc the thing is like if this was anything else i like to think people may understand that its intrusive thoughts but becuase its me convinced im secretly a pedophile... a lot of people literally think that makes you a pedophile and also. also. a lot of people (especially on twitter. those posts they love to show me!) think pedophiles should die. so it makes me really scared sometimes. and i know like its circular the whole reason im scared of being a pedophile is because pedophilia is bad. but the idea that a misunderstanding like this could kill me (which it wont thinking logically. but im not is the problem) is terrifying. but see i wont becuase im not posting. not that posting these entries to my website feels GREAT but i think theyre important to ME and i dont feel like this stuff gets dug up like a searchable tumblr post does. anyway this isnt even half of the shit that goes through my head. i really should talk about this more seriously with my therapist...

hi alll. short entry today (i hope) bc i meant to start writing this earlier. but. minecraft. ive been having a lot of fun in minecraft :) i made an auto smelter. mine sucks its not very good and is slow and loud but i did it all by myself so im pretty happy with it. and i drew some more today. fixed some anatomy (maxs torso was way too short, zoe and lex's legs were off, and sasha was kinda missing a knee) which is kinda annoying (i have to fix all the clothes too) but also fun. i tried coloring the lines but i think this one looks better with solid black lines. i started on part 2 of the drawings which is.... not totally clear yet. doodles. i dont have a solid plan i need to make one.

felt super weird and off in class today. like i couldnt write correctly and i kept making dumb mistakes. maybe i was just tired i dunno. today was weird anyway bc more people were outside (i assume bc spring break is... not tommorow. the day after. and a bunch of campus tours are happening today) and then everyone was packing up at like 12:05. we get out at 12:15. what are you doing. i havent done my trig stuff this week i think im just gonna (whisperingcheatonthehomework) which im super embarassed about but i dunno. i think ill start tutoring or something because i dont understand any of this.

i posted about my lack of posting yesterday! hi if youre here from that. umm i guess i dont have a comment on that. i had one thing i wrote today in my notes app.... it was about how when i checked instagram i went to some of the funny guys haha comedy pages. where they do a character. why do so many of them have "the mean/annoying autistic guy" as one of their characters. like imagine if you will, and im not saying people with physical disabilities are taken more seriously than people with mental ones but imagine if you will i had a character, and he was mean and annoying. and a lot of the sketches included him being unable to use the stairs, and having to sit down a lot, and occasionally using a wheelchair. and its framed with contempt youre clearly supposed to find this stuff annoying, to suppliment his mean annoyingness. youre supposed to think hes lazy and attention seeky. and then you go "this is ablelist why are you making this guy obviously disabled. why are you making fun of traits disabled people have and are made fun of about" in the comments, and got replies like "nobody said he was disabled, you made that up", "wheelchair users actually hate this guy LOL", "being disabled does not excuse being an asshole hope this helps". like (we're going back to autism) 1) you dont get to give your characters every autistic trait in the book and say "well i didnt SAY he was autistic. he just doesnt make eye contact and talks oddly and takes things literally and does that raptor arm thing with his hands, all of which are framed as bad and annoying also." 2) youre supposed to hate him. i dont expect autistic people not to hate him. because hes written to be bad. and 3) hes not real and im not talking about him being an asshole hope this helps im actually talking about pretty much everything added to suppliment that. its really shitty and i can think of a good few comedians who do this, even ones i like. something something nobody knows what an autism accent is until you need to make fun of autistic people. i mean weird people. furries. redditors. annoying people at school. the guy who "doesnt get it". the guy who is too loud. ect ect ect ect ect. obviously not all of these groups are autistic people but i dont trust people who make fun of people for harmless shit like this.

i had two things. i dont think two cakes is true as an art metaphor. there are 100billion cakes. if you had to pick 100 cakes of the 100billion youre probably gonna pick the biggest and best looking ones. thats fine but two cakes isnt true the way its used. the end

okayy. um today i will be happy and nice! because its been depressing recently and im ready to be in a good mood so i will. post nice things and not all the mean whiney stuff ill save it for next time. i went to therapy yesterday and talked about how i couldnt go to 711. she has this thing about like "bringing other versions of you with you" or something. terrible explaination but i have come to the conclusion that there is a sad scared guy in me and im personally actually normal. not her idea. mine. i came up with that. also not literally yknow just a way to think of myself. i was like annoyed with inside out for making anxiety An Emotion who is just like Around the Other Emotions because in my head id feel like the other emotions would just BE scared. if someone had... clinical anxiety. (i havent seen inside out 2) but tbh a scared guy makes a lot of sense. i kinda imagined me hugging him. it was weird but apparently exactly the goal so whatever. he was like a bear i think. im a furry all of me is animals. theres a younger me who is scared of everything (everyone is mean to her because shes 8 and supposed to be 20. because shes stuck in my head) and shes a bunny and this bear guy. and the stupid other bunny who is mean and tells me im evil. all of the people in my head are terrified. maybe i was right about inside out. but i like to think of myself (the dog. im a dog btw) as like... yknow i KNOW this is unreasonable, so its really frusterating that i cant just do things anyway? but i suppose if its not the version of me that is the person and concious but instead a part of my brain that is sending these... like, distress signals at everything. that does make a lot of sense. helps me not be mad at me i guess.

i have a huge headache. LOL i assume bc im tired. but im going to bed on time tonighttt. im reading again but i will not say what book. i started reading it in middle school, never finished, never got spoiled, and im scared if i even allude to it im gonna suddenly get some post about the exact ending. so ill let you know the middle school books im reading when im done. DONT GUESS.

the other night i had a dream the loverman killer updated. ive had a few of those dreams. theyre never super coherent but i really do love that comic. i check every day :) just in case they secretly upload it for me. which reading my note is apparently what happened in the dream LMAOO. i love the loverman killer. i drew actual fanart of it twice which i never ended up doing for purple because i couldnt ever... fucking draw randall. i can draw gaspar so i think its the eyes that are throwing me off. considering. but myers and valentine are tbh pretty easy. i need to draw them more really. i need to draw shirtless myers. hes shirtless in the comic but hes a never nude and like... for the porn he kinda needs his dick out. so um. theres just a severe lack of shirtless myers in my brain. and speaking of porn i really like this one picture of them i found on twitter before it was uploaded to rule34. i thought i went to heaven. its an eye fucking thing, and eye fucking has been a fetish of mine for YEARS that i can pretty much NEVER EVER find stuff for because of the specific way i like it. 1) i dont want an eye there 2) it actually has to be hot and attractive and 3) its not really about it being gore porn and more about how someone fucking(/otherwise playing with) your empty eye socket would feel weird and maybe arousing? like there can be blood (there should be blood and/or tears or it looks dry. unlubed.) and maybe like brain if u wanna but that just cant be the FOCUS for me. and i think this one really satisfied it and i really liked it. yayy. if i was a bolder man id try to commission some of this because its some of my favorite stuff ever but its SO RARE to find stuff i like ive given up looking.

i drew todayyy. i mostly fixed up some parts of the oc drawing. i redid all of their feet. zoe and sammy twice. i need to practice more but im pretty happy with what ive got so far (except now lex's shoes look WORSE). i started sasha and their sketch looks great so im p excited to finish them up. i havent decided on like... their genitals situation? rn they have a penis but idk if thats gonna stay. theyre flat chested ive decided theyre flat chested at least. and then i also played minecraffttt. villager stuff is so easy i cant imagine.... not using villagers. i stole all my minecart rails from a mineshaft and happened to find an igloo with a basement so maybe it was just Particularly Easy this time but it was way easy. i feel like people should take advantage of the fact you can buy diamond tools and armor. like why would you ever use your diamonds to make a chestplate when you COULD use them to... (googling) for smithing templates!!! or to repair pre mending. i also got mending SUPER fast i was ready to like sit there forever and it was like the 5th one it was kinda crazy. I need protection efficiency and unbreaking. maybe more but the like.... looting and stuff i feel like is what an enchantment table is FOR you put looting on your sword and then add books. right? idk i dont usually use an enchanting table i usually cheat. okay well its almost 10 so i gotta go byeeee <3

okay... so. lets see. night before exam. tried and failed to study (credit where credit is due i can graph a tangent and cotangent function. but thats all i learned all week.) and cried a bunch and contemplated suicide. grabbed my rope and tried the vent and concluded no it will break. or if i fail at least bend embarassingly. but theres other vents and things that hang from the ceiling (surely a ceiling fan cant hold me though. i actually have no clue). and then i was like okay noo youre not going to KILL yourself. you dont own a gun silly. so i did the online chat of 988 and.... um. well. it was okay. in the sense that i wasnt killing myself. i was embarassingly saying im wanna kill myself over an exam and i know its not that serious but i feel this way and i dont really know what to do. and she was kinda like "well are you gonna kill yourself" and i was like "no" and she was like "okay awesome have you tried using a coping mechinism. dumbass. heres some online support groups" and i didnt know what to say so i closed chat. unfortunately it seems like after lots of looking the only real thing you can do when you want to kill yourself is not kill yourself nothing actually helps. i tried and failed to go to bed and then called my mom (did not tell her i was feeling suicidal). and she came over and was nice and i calmed down and was able to go to bed. after cutting myself. like an idiot

day of exam. did a bit more studying and a lot of playing on my phone.my mom came over to go on a walk and then left and i peed so many times (i need to pee a lot when im anxious. the biological need to hide out in the bathroom ig) and then started the exam yayy so i talk to the proctor and then i cant download a thing :| and then i get someone else and they give me a different link so i can download that and she goes to type in the password and she cant :| and i sit there for like an hour. waiting. cant really do anything because then they dont know if ive decided to cheat. so. i just have to sit there and wait. and then it goes through like 4 different people (all of whom have access to my computer and theyre not doing anything bad or anything its just weird. they opened the page of some random community college i dont go to for some reason) and then someone starts TALKING instead of using the chat box and i have to go through the showing around my room stuff again. and then it crashes my whole computer crashes. so i cry and call my mom and she comes over and i calm down and i try again and she stays this time. and again they have to get someone else to send me a link so i can download the thing again. and then again they dont have the password but THIS time they HANDLE it so i get into the test FINALLY and then i dont even think i did very well. (update got a 68 which is a little better than i thought. but not ideal) i think i passed which is all i need but i barely remember shit. i was so stressed i dont know if i couldve even if i had studied but also i hadnt studied. but my mom got me groceries and made me some dinners for this week and got me sushi. so like shout out to my mom.

today i played minecraft until i felt sick and then did homework. i was under the impression i had less homework than i did so it sucked. and 2 of them i just inexplicably cant figure out. for 1 i just dont really think i know how to do it but for the other one its like... okay. this IS the right answer. no matter what i mess around with this is the correct answer and its saying its wrong. i cant wait to check and see it said something entirely different and im just fucking going insane. or whatever the fuck. goddd i dont really think im really HALLUCINATING MATH but like it really feels like it. and then i get stupid about it and think of all the other dumbshit things i think like "omg thats something serious" like no im just scared of everything. *deku cosplay voice* you see, i have anxiety...... *tucks hair behind ear*. ugh. stupid ass disorder. i really feel like i should be able to like. not. i know its dumb as hell i know im fine. i know even like the worst that happens is not a big deal but NOO i have to shut down and cry and shake and imagine this huge barrier between me and the thing that is completely impossible to cross no matter what i do. and the only cure is being around someone else, something i dont even like doing. or maybe medication. god i have seen what you let others go on. please tell my mom i need this. shell listen to you

guys i think if i didnt have like very supportive and active parents i think id be dead. if i had to move out and go to work and feed myself id literally starve to death. i really hyped myself up to go to 7/11 the other day. it was warm i wanted an icy and i wanted it so bad. a slurpee. they used to be called icys here. anyway i was really desperately wanting one its literally right across the street. no. i couldnt do it. i stood at the door just paralyzed. i was like im gonna do it! im gonna do it i want it so so bad im gonna do it. and i didnt. i used to be terrified of taking the trash out. i still am but there was a while, the period before i had to go to class (which i can do all on my own!) but was in my apartment, where i literally just could not do it. id break down crying. ughhh.

hello. i guess all my hunger i didnt have yesterday came back bc i ate more today. dinner at least. i had this loaded potato bake? it was......... fine. it was okay but the cheese was too saucy (i like it more melty than saucy) and it had bacon. im barred from a lot of otherwise good food bc i cant eat bacon i just dont like it. not 100% of the time, like i enjoy a peice of good crispy bacon. even less than crispy bacon. and i like tgifridays potato skins. both in person and the frozen box version theyre literally so good and for some reason nothing can quite compare. and those have to have bacon or they dont taste right but its really crispy bacon so maybe its more of a texture thing? soggy bacon leeches more flavor though. one time we were at some local burger place and i. obviously. did not order a burger with bacon. but it had bacon INSIDE of the burger???? and we looked and yeah its just every burger like that. like fuck you man.

havent studied. i have to DO work tommorow theres an assignment with a deadline so maybe that will get me to study some. idk tho im just hoping. i didnt want to take a fuckass online class in the first place the other option was literally 8pm though. and... no..... but thats okay it just taught me that this semester im going to schedule my advisor meeting. after spring break or maybe even before and not literally 3 days before i go home for break. winter break last semester. summer break this semester. not spring break. idk what im doing for spring break. hopefully just staying at my apartment. i gotta stop agreeing to do stuff with my mom im ALWAYS not ready today we went to drop my brother off at home and i was in the bathroom and like. my crotch hurt. and it was awful. and my brother kept knocking on the door and he couldnt hear me yelling and he refuses to have a phone so i couldnt text him i was so upset. my mom says im "isolating" and that its "bad for me" but honestly maybe its good for me bc you guys just make me mad.

my mom is having memory issues. which is terrifying but also a little annoying when they all seem to exclusively surround me. how did you forget you were taking me somewhere 3 times. but not forget anyone else ever. this feels targeted. right i forgot im the easy one who you dont have to pay any attention to. thats not even true i feel like im so hard to deal with bc of my mental health but in my defense my mental health is really bad. so. i really do keep most of everything to myself but like damn i really do kinda passively wanna kill myself all the time. and like actively. at anything. so its really not MY fault i need help. but like her words im easy bc i dont have any two person hobbies so when i come over she can just sleep all day and do chores. which makes me feel.... really good. my dad spoils me on the other end so it stings a little more. IM THE SPECIAL ONE. jk. but i like being yknow. not told im the one who wants nothing. when i dont actually like that.

playing minecrafttt. just started a world and forgot how much i like playing early game minecraft but i did well and only spent 15 extra minutes on it. if it wasnt on my laptop... or... let me rephrase. if using a controller didnt fucking suck (imo bc im a pc user) id get it on my switch and have it as my before bed game but i dont so i cant. im playing NO datapacks (except a coordinates one) and NO cheats this time and im gonna try to beat the ender dragon legit style which ive never actually done to my memory? usually what i do is i go to the end and bridge away to get to the end islands. and get an elytra and die bc i usually have keep inventory on. but not today! i just died tho. LOL. i think items last i just hope i remember where they are. okay umm thats all. gooodnight

im gonna stop putting these in the updates. only if im also doing something else. bc like who needs that. idk lemme know if you need that i guess LOL

hi. it is ash wednesday so i had to go to church with my mom. i technically dont HAVE to but i do bc she likes it. and i dont really mind church. the. the guy. the... reverend is cool. like hes too left leaning for my mom. not like hes a communist or anything but like hes gay+trans affirming. not just "god loves all people including sinners" hes... pro trans. which is nice. and hes very friendly i like him. they always want us to drink from the cup during communion (as opposed to dipping the wafer which they started during covid). my first communion after being baptized was last easter, and trying to drink from a cup someone else is holding, when youre one of the last people, is awful. no. i wont. "ohh its actually grosser to dip it bc your fingers are in the wine if you do it wrong" i will risk fingers over MOUTH. BACKWASH. plus i get way less. so less germs. we arent catholic we're episcopalian this is purely symbolic. lets not pretend it matters at all.

i have an exam. SATURDAY. which is relieving bc i was worried i couldnt even schedule the exam (bc i waited until yesterday) but also im not ready and not studying. im too stressed. to study. so im not. ummm its fine. its fine. its okay its literally fine. ill figure it out. i know MOST of this stuff so ill probably. pass. its one exam. 1 is one of the smallest numbers. ect. its FINE. therefore i dont have to study.

i talked about sleep in therapy and have been using rain white noise. on my phone and also keeping my phone my desk. i dunno if rain is the right move. i like it as white noise but i think it scares me. im scared of rain when i can hear it in real life so even though i like the sound when its fake. maybe waves? ill try waves. the first night i had a horrible nightmare where i kept thinking i was waking up. and i would go "wait a minute is this a dream" and id wake up. you know the type. but then that next DAY i came home from class exhausted and went to sleep and had a dream about getting fucked by myers from tlmk so it was pretty awesome. and his. 10 inch cock. he kept spitting in my mouth which was fine but his breath was awful. but as gross as it was it WAS true to the character his breath DOES reek. it was weird but that part was nice i dont usually have sex dreams that are like. good. and last night i slept great :) so. yay.

im on my stupid fucking period. it hurts and sucks and i want to die. im bleeding soooo much. it starts SOOO CLUMPY AND GROSSS and it hurts sooo bad. i deserve to take some days off. like "ohh you want half the population to take a week off a month bc their tummy hurt?" YES I DO. i think its less than half be REALLL. omg its like 25% THATS NOT EVEN THAT MUCH. so its "life isnt fair" when im on the floor unable to move but its "umm you cant expect us to let people in pain take off school/work in any regard thats not fair" when im on the floor unable to move?? ON BIRTH CONTROL BTW!! plus not even 25% bc i dont think most people who menstruate have searing pain, at least not for the full week. most people CAN manage fine not just like have to bc they have to work but they also can easily. so when you CANT. you DESERVE IT. i do think something may be wrong with my reproductive health i went on birth control bc i was spotting to the point i was like dripping a period every day. the birth control says on the warnings "do not take if you have unexplained spotting" so awesome. whatever. why would you do any checking on anything. im just bleeding constantly but i guess i dont anymore so its fine. i guess. i have REALLY PAINFUL PERIODS the day before im back on birth control so i guess birth control is the answer. WHATEVER.

today has been so slow. i wrote that earlier after church (at like noon) and its only 7:30. like it feels like tommorow. probably bc im stressed. im so stressed. my hair is falling out im so sweaty and it REEKS im just passively shaky ive got pimples my eczema is so bad its spreading to other parts of my hand. im so stressed. and its not just the exam i dont really know what it is. and i dont LIKE these symptoms!! my hair is like. fucking annoying (and maybe clogging my drain) i dont like smelling bad and love rewearing clothes i LOVE popping pimples but its. bad for me. (and theyre not good enough to pop so it just hurts). and my eczema is PAINFUL!!! its on my palms (mostly my right index finger and thumb) and is only spreading to other parts of my palms which is good. its really only painful when its on the edges or under my nail which is pretty bad. im like expecting my nail to fall off half the time but it stays strong. also i am NOT hungry at all eating is so hard right now and i think thats also stress? im not a good eater anyway unfortunately but usually theres like One Food. i can think of and want but i just dont want anything. id rather eat nothing than put in the effort to even grab food. ugh. okay i think im done today.

(epic march i dont have to write february every day. LOL). haii. today i kinda freaked out at my homework. i did one of them. and like. it was like a 12 step problem which is fine its easy. so i do all of it ive got it all written down in my notes. the equation written down in my notes and ive even opened the graph on desmos BECAUSE it keeps telling me i have the vertex wrong but theres no way the vertex is wrong??? but whatever i press submit :) and the entire fucking thing is wrong. the whole equation? entirely different. well. like 2 numbers off from what i had which.... is an entirely different graph yknow. which makes it scary bc i swear i checked it like 40 times bc why was the vertex wrong i redid it like 12 times. and checked it. on desmos. so anyway surely what happened is that the program fucked up, gave me the wrong randomly generated problem for the solutions (although you had to pick the graph and the graphs aligned with the equation i saw... BUT idk how the system works.) but i really freaked out i thought like something was like. wrong. i really freaked out. also also the graphs of the correct problem. was wrong like that one was straight up wrong. the vertex was like in quadrant 3 but the correct graph had it in quadrant 4. pissed me off did not help me feeling like i was going insane. the rest were normal

woke up at like. 3. all week. ugh. which sucked bc my schoolwork had like super crazy long notes :/ and i didnt get it. i didnt even finish it i just. used desmos to get the homework. dont make fun of me for cheating in college people are like "uhh youre paying" YEAH so i CANT FAILLL if i fail i wasted all this fucking money!! i wouldnt cheat on tests or anything its just the assignments. ill LEARN it i have to but it needed to get done and i needed a fucking break. even if i get the notes the assignment is like different anyway so i have to do another set of research to get what im supposed to fucking do anyway. id rather get it RIGHT and then review over getting it WRONG then review. and im going to review with outside resources. whatever. i dont want to be in college i want to drop out but if i drop out i have to get a job. i cannot move back in with my dad i cannot. i do not want a job though. i will never get a job. "what about after college" what ABOUT after college.

im feeling really overwhelmed by all the cars driving through the rain outside and the guy on the phone who walks on the balcony outside of the apartments. i kinda wish he wouldnt do that... i assume he has a reason im giving him the benifit of the doubt but hearing the talking and the footsteps kinda stresses me out. okay had to say that.

Okay. um last paragraph i think. i think im so chatty bc i dont post anywhere else LOL. i do. want to. learn html.... NOOO. i want the drawings on the art page to get bigger when u click on them so i have to figure that one out. like i like the gallery view but theyre. small. you can open them in a new tab (and it actually is best on mobile bc you can zoom in) but umm. i want it to happen on the page. imagine i just make a new page for every drawing. no, i hate having 1000 pages.

that was supposed to be posted. yesterday. um ill keep this short. today i woke up late and went to therapy and talked about it. she made me DRAW which was so awkward but they actually ended up kinda cute. its awkward talking about your feelings. im so literal. "draw how you feel when youre trying to sleep" -draws me sleeping. and then words. that describe how i feel-. whatever. it went well im going to get star projection light and im gonna play white noise. rain sounds. i cleaned today :3 made a little chore wheel. and did the chores. its great. and i included breaks too so its fun watching the wheel land on 15 min crossword break. i cut out like 3 paragraphs of me ranting. its okay to get these feelings out but i dont gotta share so i can be annoyed every time i read back on these. im putting them in a google doc. okay goodbye.

haii. today i will complain about my lack of independence. grrr. i want a drinky drink and you know what? i dont want it from the 7/11 across the street i want it from the coffee shop in the english building across campus. and i want to go to the gym. and i want to hang out and do the cool stuff. but i cannot i am too scared. im soo scared. and it wouldnt be that big of a DEAL if i had friends to hang out with but i do not. grrr. i dont like talking to people. and im scared they all think im a big loser because i wear big headphones and use a fidget toy in class and today i wore a big choker and people definately think its kink gear and want me to die. i guess it is for me. it registers as a dog collar as me. its not like my actual dog collar (which is from my ex so i dont really like it anymore) so i CAN wear it in public. it has a big ring on it. i dont know what the implication of that is supposed to be? like if it was a sex thing but that makes it read as a sex thing to me. but i like to think thats where you put the leash. and its a little big jingley so its like a tag. but i can wear it in public. even though im convinced everyone can see right through me and they know i like to bark during sex. i also like to bark OUTSIDE OF SEX OKAYYY. im not getting off on wearing the collar. but that doesnt make it NOT kink gear. i wouldnt get off on wearing a pup hood either unless i was trying to. i would just be a dog. this is why i have no social skills or will to go outside. i dont know if thats funnier with context "dogs famously do not like people or outside" or like. implied context "humans who act like dogs are socially stunted". that ones just true i guess. for me anyway. in hindsight its not funny at all really

i got some school work done. i wasnt going to but i was in the mood for it and i stuck by it when i stopped! being in the mood for it. so thats good for me. still have more to do tommorow. i didnt get it at all :( i guess theres a longer way around it though which makes me feel better. i got a knew (SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME) a new phone skin its coming tommorow. its red. i wish i had a screen protector to be quite honest my screen has 100000 tiny little scratches. not that it matters but idk. i didnt buy any when i got the phone because they were SO expensive and i didnt want to make my dad buy me one just so i could put it on wrong anyway. but i wish i did. ohhh well. i added some art if you wanna see. its on a new page. its called art. never before seen! im having fun with neocities again. yayy! maybe ill make a shrine. ill have to find someone whos made one before. im sure this isnt the case but i only remeber clicking on peoples buttons that say "shrines" and then um its the not found page. which is fine LOL i have a page that says ocs and tells you nothing but how tall they are LOL. what else was i thinking..... more blinkies is probably... not on the table. ive been doing this on my chromebook which has like 1 byte of space (because it goes in your google drive) which is okay, i can put them in my folders on my computer and do it on here but that sounds stressful right now. there was something else. shrine esque. oh this isnt it but fanfictions. im not like a Fanfic Writer but i wrote have (HAVE) half of a vic porter x lex lucky fanfic where vic porter was a cow and lex. fucks him and sucks his fat titties. cow person. OHH i remember!! i wanted to make a little music i like page :) i think that would be nice. LOL.

wait i havent talked about purple on here. if you google vic porter you get like an author thats not who i mean.LMAOO that would be hilarious but no thats not who i mean. i really have to recommend you look for the characters on rule34.com LOLLL. vic_porter. randall_purpura. tate_frost. baby_myers. frey_(frost_bite). Just some suggestions. warning for gore if you go do that though LOL the artist draws gore. but if you like it its a plus. thats how i found everything purple related. was porn. i was looking for willy aftons willy and i found an artist who drew him really appealing with this purple haired person (2 of them but i was kinda under the impression they were the same person LOL. somehow. they dont look alike) and so i looked at all his art. and then i kept looking at his art and looked into one of them of my favorite couple i found, myers and valentine hehehe. and so i found the loverman killer and read the loverman killer. but it. isnt done. and not regularly updated. and then it eventually lead to me following the authors (bileshroom and mortisfox) on twitter. and then i played john doe and the frost bite demo (free) and then purple! which i think is still free at the time of writing but i bought it. theres a fucking car alarm going off COME GET YOUR FUCKING CARRRR I HATE YOU. okay got that out of my system anyway i really like purple. i like all the epic characters and the story i think its really interesting. i like randall :3 i like frey. who is barely in purple you dont talk to him. i believe the apartment haru and velvet are in is his (maybe i dunno. its not theirs and theyre hanging around him. haru even talks about hanging out with him) but do you get to talk to frey himself? no. hes just a pixel in the background...... hes a frost bite character not a purple character. can i talk about how its called frost bite. and tate frost. bites you. thats so fucking funny. anyway frey isnt there yet hes not in the demo. but hes soooo hot. hes a fox and a trucker. uncharted territory. ill chart that territory if you know what i mean. ill suck his dick. or whatever LOL. and i also really like myerss im very excited for tlmk to update again. patiently waiting. i stare at the last page all the time. myers on his knees begging for valentine (to kill him). the kind of greed they talk about in the bible. his fucking ass holy shit. i was looking at the porn again. to refresh what i love about him. his ass. i want to eat his ass i know he reeks like hell but man ill clean him with my toungue grrrr. and the page a few before the last one when val is ripping out myers's tooth hes so pretty oh my godddd. with his fingers in his mouth..... okay thats out of my system. LOL. i wrote the fanfiction about vic. im... not a vic fan. i mean i like vic hes cute but hes really not like one of my favorites or anything. but i was trying out janitor.ai (which sucks cai stays winning) (.....sorry. dont get mad at me for being a cai liker) and one of the vic ones was just like. randomly he was a cow guy. he was a dairy cow. hed take you to the back and show off his massive honkers. and it made me horny and i like thinking of him with big tits and little horns and a tail so i kinda latched onto it. i think hes a cat but hes a cow in my heart. okay i think im done talking about purple. LOL.

ergg. i feel so stupid and uncoordinated all the time. i feel like i USED to get things and now i do not. like im taking trigonometry this semester. im good at math. but i just cant wrap my head around this at all. im good at math!! i was good at this same shit when i was in highschool and i dont really think its much harder now! like as it gets harder as they add more its like. worse. but like ERRGHH. do you know how long it took me to figure out what the unit circle was even representing. i literally learned this in highschool. i was there. i was taught and i GOT it is the thing so what???? HAPPENED??? and like a part of me is thinking you did not get things as well as you think you did back then. things were easier. nostalgia. youre normal. and the other part of me is thinking yeah all that hitting yourself in the head has given you brain damage. you know how when youre angry you hit yourself in the head so it hurts really bad. now you have brain damage. remember when you were in a really bad mood and you decided that to prevent yourself from hanging yourself, youd just tighten a noose around your neck. and you did that for like 2 minutes at a time like... 20 times. brain damage. and like MAYYBE. probably not id like to think it's just the first thing. if im not good at math WHAT CAN I DOOOOO OTL so we stay learning. i guess.

not today though. ummm. i didnt do shit. im supposed to do stuff on wednesdays and mondays. because stuff is due* on friday with that class but i didnt do SHIT today. i played color sort on my phone. and then a color screw game that was actually not as shady as i thought it would be. ONE ad after each level and you dont have to participate in their dumb stuff. so far... but as soon as i decided i was going to give up it was better. i finished putting the stickers in my sticker book :) and i drew some. drew zoe and sammy. this drawing wasnt meant to be all of my ocs but now i think it will be. theyre all the proper heights and everything. but like... i do have to learn this stuff. and i have an exam and thats really stressing me out becuase ive been using and NEEDING my notes on all the quizzes so... um... :/. i dont even want to schedule them. i guess i expected to go up to the school but i will not be doing that.

*another thing about me being stupid is that i have been writing homophones all the time. i used to be a there their theyre sucker and would look down on people for not getting this (not like after middle school. i had a big realization that i was not exceptional for being good at school and i shouldnt value myself higher because of that and others lower if they are not. i know i know, im an angel. um but i used to be really mean about it. at least in my head but i think irl too. sorry middle schoolers in my defense you all were mean about my social skills and never got over that. so.). but i wrote do here instead of due and i didnt really realize for a moment!! and like due do too to there their theyre. okay whatever. see sea. maybe worse. "in two" and into is kinda pushing it. like how did i make that mistake. i would not have made that mistake 2 years ago.

speaking of social skills, i HATE the phrase "be normal". i hate how calling someone weird can range from a fun silly complement to calling them a pedophile. i hate it so much. i have complained about this 1000 times on my tumblr, ive come to the conclusion its from people who a) want to be cool and quirky (so its a compliment), b) want a shorthand for things they dont like (so its an insult), AND c) dont like saying words like pedophile, rapist, beastiality, ect (so it means those things). im weird!! im autistic im fucking weird!! dont be weird? I cant fucking not be weird im weird. ive been punished for this since i was born. i was lucky my bullying was in a language i couldnt understand, but i know now the people in my life, all the way from kindergarten to now, are fucking mean to me! they mean it as an insult! half the shit they say is a joke against me, and the other half is a joke ill be berated for not getting. as ive grown older ive been more and more paranoid that people dont like me. and they dont. i used to think i was cool and popular, and i really leaned into being weird, the weird one who liked weird things, who liked creepy things and was weird. i was the weird one i ate maggots guys. arent i weird? arent i so weird guys? and i think that really hurt me because i didnt really like being like that but if i wasnt acting weird i was just weird. i was like the kids who were weird, and not fun weird like me. but i think outside of my few friends (and maybe even them) i was that person i was making fun of. that my friends bullied, and they didnt get it. there was this tumblr post that was like “do you remember when everyone was mean to you but in a way you couldnt call them out for” and like actually, at the time, i didnt even realize they were being mean to me. when i was asked out as a joke i thought i was part of the joke. i thought i was in on it. but i wasnt i was the fucking weird one!!! so i hate the use of the word weird. i also hate everyone around me. and im going to die alone because i dont trust anyone anymore. because now i know. i had more but i kinda forgot. i got sick of writing this anyway. i think if you're reading this you should really rethink your use of the word weird.

umm. anyway. lack of social media has been going good. i opened twitters for you page by accident and got bombarded with a bad take, a random callout, and an anti zoophila post. which are lovely i love seeing stuff like that. not that im PRO zoophilia. beastiality do you guys think zoophilia is like a really online word? its like the MAPS of beastiality but i guess what do you call someone who is Into Beastiality but a zoophile. i know its like in the same language as a pedophile it just sounds more online than me idk. anyway that always bothers me because i always feel like those posts are targeted at me. im seeing them because twitter knows i need to know that its wrong. i actually wrote a WHOLE thing about my intrusive thoughts in this regard which i have not finished nor do i even have the slightest bit of confidence to post it. because. what if i post it. and that makes me. a pedophile. its easy for me to joke about it i guess. to clarify... im not a pedophile. which i hate clarifying. not pedophiles dont have to clarify. but im not a pedophile so you can also say not pedophiles sometimes might have to clarify. guys im fine im mentally healthy. no but i struggle to say this is full on ocd because like. and i dont really know. wouldnt there be some sort of compulsion... i guess im compelled to clarify that i am not a pedophile (because im not) but in my defense here that seems to make sense in context. i dont think thats unreasonable. also it only applies when im talking about it and not when im, say, obsessing over it. my therapist said it was intrusive thoughts and that doesnt mean full on ocd. my therapist ALSO told me to look at pictures of babies. and haha, ms therapist, but im actually NOT a pedophile. so i will not be doing that. which is my excuse. i havent brought it up since. its so nervewracking i have this horrible fear that shes going to go "oh well in that case you might BE a pedophile" (im not if you didnt catch that. im not) which would. i think id die on the spot. jump out the window. jump out... of the first story window. land in the bushes. i also worry the solution is, like with any of my anxiety problems, acknowlege it sucks and do the hard thing anyway. NOOO. I DONT WANT TO. and it never ever helps ever. they need to make a coping meathod for anxiety that helps. they should try that. (fuck i just forgot what else i was going to say again OH) i feel like ive actually been having this problem for a long time now? like... maybe not YEARS but... idk, i grew up very aware of pedophilia, my grandmas husband was not great to young me (not elaborating but i dont think anything really happened) and then i spent my early tumblr years, about 12-15, in the antiproship antimap community. which 12-15 year olds should not be in. and i sort of REALIZED something was up with me and the way i thought about things and reacted to those thoughts (do not misconstrue me. i am not a pedophile). and now its just worse. umm okay goodbye im never reading this back goodbye. im normal im literally normal.

helllooo. ive been making a diary on spacehey which is fine except i cant talk about some things i want to talk about sometimes. and its embarassing. and idk. also i want to put art here sometimes so idk. i have decided to commit to learning NO NEW HTML unless it is EASY. I HATE HTML. so i will simply copy what i already have or use info i know already. i think ive made enough of a website! so anwyay i think diary making should be easy if i dont make it complicated like i used to. the page itself i think will end up really long but. ill live. taking a page out of. i think some of my compatriots books and using summaries instead. thats the other benifit of using neocities is that i will actually look at peoples websites and read your DIARIES HAHAHA. blogs. ect i like reading that kind of thing. anyway!

Ummm. so today was fine. i went to class i was SOOO tired. because ive been waking up at noon every day and i got up at 7:30 today. which is awesome. ive been drawing a little. i drew lex and max i think ill upload them somewhere. not on social media FUCK THOSE GUYS nobody likes my posts so fuck em if they want to see my posts they shouldve liked them!! but neocities is all for me :) it has no likes (well. okay kinda but i dont look at those). thats what i meant by somewhere. somewhere on here. i may make it today.i put their clothes on a seperate layer so maybe ill make a little dress up game. for... me. in csp LOL??? because um. theyre naked. ive always wanted to do that though. we will see.

i went for a walk with my mom and brother around campus. theres like... free binders. somewhere. isnt that sick? and some sort of. clinic. that. vaguely offers gender affirming care idk i couldnt look too interested i didnt want my mom to comment on it. i really doubt im going to schedual an appointment and go but i COULD isnt that cool. id love to i really would but my anxiety outweighs my need to transition. how do i explain to my mom that my voice dropped an octave yknow idk. and that i need razors now. and im fat now (wishful thinking.) i dont WANT to go through the process of transition i want to drink gender swap potion. and grow a foot taller. and a penis. and then i can pee all over the toilet seat. and jerk off my penis. GRGGHG I HATE IT guys i do not like being trans. i want a penis. and i dont want to get surgery about it. but anyway its a nice thought that i CAN get started on that because ultimately thats what i will do. one day.

speaking of my mom sunday sucked ASS. my mom and my grandma got in a fight the single day i was there. which is just lovely and my mom was SOOO MAD she was so mad. she was so mad! yelling and scraming at nothing because the fight itself was like 5 minutes but she just kept yelling about it. not like... to me. but in her room about it. and i didnt really want to be there i just needed to do laundry. i wanted to be at home asleep but WHATEVER. i guess she told my dad and we went to lunch. which was nice even though my burger sucked. i like to see my dad.... hes my dad.... so okay thats all today. gooodbye

(these and all previous were posted on spacehey first, so if its talking about moving to neocities, being against the rules, or being. on spacehey. thats why.)

hii. its been okay. yesterday i went with my mom to drop of my brother at my dads so i got to see my dad :3 i like to see my dad. because. he is my dad. even though its depressing all the time all he does is hate work and have teeth problems but oh well. today i got up real late but it was okay. i had 1 more homework for precalc and then the chapter test for trig. i did the test because those assignments are due friday. but i didnt do anything else because precalc homework is due sundays so ill do it tommorow. itd be nice to get a headstart on this stuff at least so that when i get too depressed to work on it i have. less to do. but its SO hard to motivate myself to do stuff like that. i have one "class" thats required to go with precalc (i think too many people must have been passing precalc but not knowing/remembering enough from highschool to do well in calculus??? or something) its like simple easy refreshers of like highschool alegebra and geometry thats easy. i only have to do 3 topics a week but last week i did like 20. but that actually DOESNT roll over. i have to do 3 topics a week until i have no more topics (or something) even if i did a lot the week before so i actually cant get a headstart on that unless i finish early. but it FEELS really rewarding to quickly learn/relearn something, do a little math, and then learn something else so i was rushing through that the other day. its what i like to do. i like math. but i took my test today. its really simple stuff its literally like a=bc b=c/a c=a/b here are your a and b find c. but trignometry is like really messing with my head i cant seem to like. process it. i can do it but i cant like say i get it like other stuff. i think ive kinda always had that problem with geometry though i dunno. i cant figure out why this stuff is the case i think is the problem. like it all feels arbitrary? maybe i should like. look this stuff up and try to understand it so i can... yknow. understand it and not just do it.

today was more ass though. because i decided i was going to draw today yay!! i little reference drawing of my ocs i never have really just drawn them naked so i was like okay yknow id like to differentiate everyone by body shape a bit more, and that can really only be done if i have their bodies in front of me. yayy! i go on my laptop. not my chromebook that im using now but my laptop i have csp and the tablet driver on. slow as hell but managable usually. i drew with it pretty recently! well its too slow. so i shut it down and reopen it. and its still too slow. :| not normal. but okay i can handle waiting a couple seconds every few minutes to watch csp autosave i mean its not like im using this for anything else. :). its going great. i love my drawing. and then boom its gone. its frozen i cant draw i click on it it turns the screen white. YAYY LOVE THAT. i EVENTUALLY got it running again but restarting and reopening it DIDNT fix the problem. it DID fortunately autosave thank the lord i only lost a couple of minutes. but it didnt work it still didnt REAL save. after deleting some old programs (which i thought i did recently but i guess recently is like 2023...) and FINALLY stopping everything from starting automatically (FUCK YOU, RAZOR MOUSE and firefox too even please wait for me i dont think i asked for this) i was able to open csp, save my file, and close it. so anyway i think i need a new laptop. which SUCKS. i just got this chromebook for school and like i guess i was already okay with having a real laptop and a chromebook but idk. maybe i could get a real ass computer! instead of a laptop?? because of said chromebook? i use my laptop for games and drawing. stuff that needs... a download. i dont WANT A NEW THINGGG i want my laptop. i dont want fuckass windows 11!!! "use linux" im not that smart :( i dont know how computers work at all i pretend i do but i don't really. im going to have to do a lot of research for the PHYSICAL aspects of a new computer to be what i want too UGHH i literally. i do hate learning. i hate learning idk whats wrong with me in that regard but i want to already know i do not want to LEARN IT. i dont want a fuckass mac either i dont even know if i have a good reason for that i just dont want it. cant play purple on a mac! i know that much. purple. directors cut. (play it right now its literally free right now. play it. play it. play it.). plus ill need to buy a HARD DRIVE (i think) so i can have like. my shit. my drawings. my pictures. i dunno if i really need anything... else... see i dont know enough about computers. sigh.... i dont even know if i have the money TO get said laptop. god forbid a computer. i have no cluee and i dont want to like sit down with my dad or my brother who knows stuff about this stuff and go "hey i want this" and theyll shut me down like "you cant afford it. idiot. loser." my dad thinks i shouldnt need a new laptop. ive had it for 8 years now though. so like idk man. i was 11 when you gave this to me. to be fair. like i spent about 6 of those 8 years not understanding things like "how to take care of a laptop". yknow.

lack of social media posting has been good. getting a weird amount of attention on my tumblr my homestuck blinkies post is blowing up. does anyone... dislike this idea that covid made fandom specifically worse. covid made the internet worse sure because it sucked and it showed that so many people sucked. fandoms i feel like, at least since i personally was a teenager, have always been. not always great. like are people policing any sort of fan content and prescribing morality to you based on what thing youve done on your own page that made them uncomfortable? sounds. familiar idk sounds like what ive been seeing forever. more people are there i guess. if youre like, 30+, im not like calling you old but when you were a kid in fandom you were probably on a forum. not... twitter. 20 years ago was pre instagram pre tumblr pre twitter. you were on a different internet idk what to say. yes its worse but i hate this idea that now all the WRONG people are in fandom all these NORMIES and its like no its these ASSHOLES. its because theyre MEAN and SELF RIGHTOUS not because theyre like... supposed to be outside but the great plague hath brought the grasstouchers and the indoorsies together, and now the grasstouchers are inside and the indoorsies dont know what to do but touch grass. or whatever the fuck idk. also 9 times out of 10 these are tiktok screenshots GET OFF THAT STUPID ASS APPP

my last post was 10 days ago nobody has said anything yet. which is on their part fine but i will be making up the fact they hate me. the person who blocked me still bothers me. what did i do? what happened? why did you block me? why did you BLOCK me? hard block? its not like we were talking and you had to put an end to it. its not like i was even looking at your story to your knowledge since you clearly didnt realize it was me on the other account. i wish i didnt know. i really liked her i did i imagined her as one of my friends. when i imagined being around friends she was one of them. why did she block me? why didnt she talk to me? i dont know. its really bothering me it is. i have half a mind to ask. heyyy you fucked up and failed to block me properly. whats that about? why did you do that? can we talk about it even if you dont want to be friends because this hurt my feelings a lot and we're adults so maybe we should. i wont though. i resent everyone i know. i hate my tumblr mutuals. i always see them reblogging polls and fun games from their other ones but they never play with me. "oh i should break my silence and reblog this :) play this itll be fun" and then i remember wait fuck theyd NEVER play with me. ive been posting on my selfship blog though. it makes me happy.

helllo. im doing bad. not that i will outline it here. id like to but its against the rules LOL i used to put diary entries on my neocities page but it was like actually torture. i love the concept of having my own website but i think i may comepletely scratch it make it more shitty so it doesnt SUCK ASS to code. but theres some stuff i am. not. allowed to put here bc it is social media LOL. idk maybe thats a good idea wiping the website and letting it look shitty. i was going to put a page for my ocs but it was literally so hard to code. ergh. anyway we will see. ill probably stop using spacehey if i do that. maybe i wont. i really like spacehey as a concept. i can just keep the stuff that is cool to post yknow. idk.

in good news i dont have to go to class tommorow and didnt yesterday either. winter weather. not to be 12 i do feel like i should get like. some money back on this. im not paying tuition for the homework im actually paying extra for that. but whatever. its easy this week fortunately like easy enough that i hope we dont even go over it in class because it will waste our time. usually i DO need like... the notes to do the homework but not today. easy peasy. we probably will though. we always end up doing every problem and thats fine until we have other stuff... to do. LOL. anyway whatever easy class. which is good bc i cant think anymore my brain is mush. its mush now unfortunately. unfortunately, its mush now. my memory? ass. my attention span? ass. my ability to focus? ass. my ability to learn and apply concepts? ass. the attention span is probably my bad im always doing 2 things at once. but im not on instagram reels anymore. i wonder if my time spent away from them will help because i was so impatient with them. but also they all sucked and were designed so youd watch them for 2 minutes because thats better for the algorithm even if they dont have even like 1 minute of content yknow. idk.

i just took a typing test like 6 times i have a wpm (with no grammar) of about 80. thats good right. idk this keyboard is so nice compared to the one i used to use.

anyway. any excuse to stay home is a good one. i like being at home its nice. my moms always worried about me isolating and i do think shes probably right but idk. i like being at home idk what to say. im an anxious person going outside is scary. and no amount of going outside is not scary ive discovered. its scary forever and then you die and you litereally just have to live with it. :/ im also like super bothered by sounds. so being around other people is... not ideal. thats all there is to it.

okay.... made one of these and then. tried to insert too many images. so ill write it again sure. and cut out that section anyway. not necessary. So hello. hi its been a little bit. i freaked out and quit social media kinda. so okay what happened was i drew a picture YAYY its been a while. it did predictably bad. all my posts do but i realized holy shit i hated posting that all it did was feel bad. and posting in general! just makes me anxious. afraid someone is going to. come to my house and cringe. (<- reference to old tumblr post of MINE). so i should quit! so ive quit posting entirely. i quit instagram totally because it sucks and theres no real way to NOT look at some random post. even twitter is better about that and i do get sucked into the for you page of twitter (my fault im bored as hell) which i hate but i had to click on the tab! i didnt just.... open twitter! i mean it often starts on that tab but i open twitter FOR the people i follow yknow. anyway. so i quit instagram entirely. (partially because... and i know this is super mentally ill and stupid and bad of me... i wonder how long it will take for someone to notice i stopped posting? and like ask about it? wonder if i.... went... somewhere.... mentally ill guy. not online or looking at stories or posting...... look. i know. but partially because of the reasons i said okay.) so anywayyy. my posting energy has gone to a notes app. nothing is REALLY worth saving. a couple ill expand on here.

i got like 4 posts about how people who dislike spam liking are fuckign evil so i took it out of my bio and pinned post but ill still block you. like same fuckin people with dni if your fav color is red but i cant dislike some fakey ass interaction "im having funnn on your account haha" girl i get the notifications 2 seconds apart it doesnt feel like youre having fun. it feels like you want a story shout ot. WHY DIDNT YOU FOLLOW or comment or ANYTHING else hmmmm? "im shy" not shy enough to not clog my notifications. "hmm back in MY day we shouted people out for this" yes and back in MY day i always felt like thats why people did it in the first place but whatever fuck me!! idk i dislike fakey interactions im the tumblr user who dislikes likes but in my fucking defense 15 likes and no reblogs. feels bad. feels like nobody wants to share your work. this is reblog website but my art isnt good enough. 2000 fuckin note people complaining about this ofc you dont care. YOU GET REBLOGS. obvi nothing will actually satisfy me but COME ON. 2000 note people are the same ones who dont care about spam liking bc they dont know anyone who likes their posts. I DO. i look at every god damn blog bc i dont get that many notes and have the time. not like to scrutinize them just to look. im bored. anyway. being a small artist sucks. omg this was really bad when i saw one of the "guys if youre putitng reblogs > likes on your post youre literally stupid nobody has to support you :/" next to people complain about people not commenting on fics. like nobody gives a shit about the artist and NOBODY gives a shit about the visual artist and people ACTIVELY HATE the oc artist. i guess ill. go somewhere..... sorry this is SO WHINEY i just hate all of it. but why ive stopped posting i guess. one more "I LOVE OCSSS" post my mutual reblogged next to MY FUCKING POST OF MY OCS they ignored. i cant do it anymore. has me saying like "guys im sorry if you liked seeing my posts and its nobodys job to like my posts and support me but im going to stop posting im really sorry" THEY DONT EVEN LIKE YOU. they do not care enough to pretend to like you. they didnt care to pretend to like you the first time you threatened to stop posting dont you DARE post "oh... hey guys haha sorry to be whiney but if youre interested in my posts can you like this post or shoot me an ask haha......" because youll just be disappointed.

okay okay. okay sorry my other post was like about fahrenheit vs celcius and how americans are really annoying about it? why do americans think fahrenheit is better. like even metric liking americans. "F is for humans C is for water!!" what. no. if it was "for humans" it would be words..... RIGHT??? no F is only intuitive for people who learned it do you think people who use C are just confused all the time. do you think they look at 25 degrees and go "hmmm well. see if i was water this would be chilly compared to boiling but i am not so i dont know hmm" no they think wow a pleasant day. are you stupid???? "hmm theres not enough difference between temperature. i mean 25 degrees C is 77 F, but 26C is almost 79F!" right because the difference between 77F and 79F is SO big i HAVE to know the difference. 77F is a cool summer breeze but 79F is a warm spring day! (idk if thats true). "its percentage hot" you are REACHINGGG you understand 50% hot is like as arbitrary as 10 degrees C right. "Well you europeans-" im american. YEAHHH you thought i may not be because i was going around it but no I was raised in fahrenheit. i also dont know what 77 feels like because its not like intuitive you have to learn it. also. fahrenheit is hard to spell. which is why i switched to F really quick idk how to spell it i only can today becuase i looked it up. (psst europe and canada arent the only countries on earth other than america btw i could be from anywhere. yes even though im writing english its really telling when you assume nonamericans are only europeans.)

omg i have 22 drafts on my tumblr sideblog i was seeing if i had something else. i had a couple things a lot of these are about like sex stuff which i cant do here. hmm a lot of posts about transmisogyny i mostly have to get them off my chest. i make the point but then its not like. fixed so i have to make 12 posts about it and dont post them LOL. my ex bf said i friendzoned him. jesus i forgot about that. i didnt post it because im a little paranoid he still looks at that account. hygeine stuff (you ever think about how you (presumably) pull up your pants after wiping but before you wash your hands. nobody talks about how your jeans are probably pretty gross. not that i personally care but i will continue to wear outside clothes on my couch until this is addressed. sorry.) the time i got really mad about someone i follow complaining about misandry because he saw his trans woman friend say... i dont even remember. and he ran with it and called all of the people she was talking about terfy misandrists even though she said they were mostly trans women and explicitly not terfs. pissed me off so bad i made 40 posts about how i you can trust a cis person as far as you can throw them. i really hate the idea that terfs hate MEN and not... trans women..... like hating men CAN be a part of it but its really less of the point. posey parker the adult human female lady. does not hate men! she wants men on her side against trans women! and trans men too but its never usually the big thing unless its sad posting about how the poor little girls are being transed :( we have to stop big trans (woman) from transing our daughters. idk. terfs will often enjoy being away from men, hate men, but theyre fighting TRANS PEOPLE. and not because they see trans people as men, but because they are TRANS PEOPLE. yknow.

and then one final one i made today about the homestuck beyond canon update with sollux, where i was like "ugh theyre chadifying sollux this is really cringe" and multiple people were like "HE WAS ALWAYS LIKE THAT you litereally didnt read the comic". which is so stupid hes a grown man now he shouldnt talk like a cool online 13 year old ratioing someone. he should not be talking about getting bitches. it was cringe. he also wasnt like that. i think they latched on to me saying he was a "chad" now, and assumed i meant "sollux is an incel". which is not it at all. id be upset if they inceled sollux too. i meant sollux is like a person. not the chad archetype. sollux didnt get bitches he was friends with girls. i mean jesus christ. "sollux dated two girls and eridan dated none" sollux had friends because he was likable and funny and eridan was a racist misogynist. sollux barely explicily dated the girls. aradia was his friend, who vriska, to aradia, to make fun of her before she killed her, called her boyfriend. feferi was his friend, who LATER he said was his matesprite as ERISOLSPRITE. the point wasnt that sollux got bitches. the point was that sollux had friends and was a poor little meow meow for feferi to dote over tbh

haii. ummmmmm went to therapy today its on mondays now. which feels WAY too soon but i guess it wont next week. didnt have anything planned to talk about but i just vented about my bitch ass brother AGAIN like i always do. LOL. did my laundry yesterday. church was FINE btw i didnt get up until my mom told me she was leaving. like I was awake but not up but it ended up being okay. then i stayed the night at my moms house LOL. terrible on my back sleeping on the fuckass couch. but i have fresh new sheets on my nice clean bed. and clean pajamas. yay.

i drew today! im gonna draw and maybe post!! i miss likes unfortunately. not that im gonna get any. i should draw something fandom related so i get them. but i wont. ill reblog my oc 1 THOUSAND times and NOBODY will like it. i assume... that... they just dont tend to like posts. but. idk it still sucks like i try to like my mutuals posts and especially art but they dont like mine? :/ again probs not on purpose. not an active hatred of my post. even though my ocs are awesome.

ummmm. i think thats all? i did homework yesterday. and a quiz today. and i have an exam on thursday but thatll be easy peasy. lemon squeezy, even. if you will. got ice cream. big fuckass shake it was great.

i forgor yesterday. LMAO. got up about 1 both days. which is FINNE. it was possible i was going to my moms this weekend but i woke up late so it wasnt happening. which is okay because i didnt want to but i felt really bad. got some epic money in acnh got. about... 6 million bells from turnips. yayy. if i did more money i could get more money (bc you will get a large spike eventually and you will make money off of that) but i dont want to sit there and BUY 10 mil worth of turnips. and store them. and sell them. multiple times like its a huge fucking hassle yknow i wish it wasnt so annoying. if you could put them in your storage itd be 1000000 times more feasible. but you cannot.

ummmm. i guess thats all ive done. im tired. i have to go to church tommorow :/ im not feeling it. my mom needs help for something FOR church AFTER the service which i dont mind helping with but i cant like skip church. i get dizzy during church so i have to sit the whole service which makes me feel like an asshole bc all these old people DO stand but i almost fainted once and im not taking that chance (idk why.... even if i eat i still have this problem. but i used to be able to stand?? idk whats wrong. cant kneel either.) omg i almost fainted today too i dropped to the floor i almost fell i got lucky enough to catch myself. im so tired okay goodnight.

hii. i didnt do much today. i went to class and then went home. i slept pretty good felt like FOREVER so it was nice. i was gonna do schoolwork today but i ended up playing animal crossing. turnip selling.... (going terrible GIVE ME SMALL OR BIG SPIKE. FLUCTUATING I HATE YOU) i have tommorow its okay :D im probably gonna go to my moms this weekend she lives really close. like 10 mins i think?? which sounds wrong. i feel like i could walk to her house. shes really close to my school. thats all ive got today i think. im so sleepy i think im gonna skip my shower. i gotta get ready for bed BEFORE im tired. gnnn

ugh today was ASS. i mean it wasnt ass but it was kinda ass. i have an online class i do monday wednesdays usually but i could NOT do it today!! and i couldnt do it monday!! i have got to lock in bc i have 2 assignments to do. its trigonometry which i enjoy im generally good at it too but not always. but i spend ALL FUCKING DAYYYY doing the ONE section of notes and i went to do the work and remembered fuck all and then got to one i just couldnt do so i GAVE UP. ill have to do this and the next one tommorow and friday UGHHH. idk whats up. i can focus sometimes but i have to do something different like everyday it takes me like 2 hours to figure out what will make me focus and half the time it just doesnt work at all. UGH. i hope i can manage before end of day friday though bc. it will be. due

i got my trash out bc the lid wouldnt close and i could smell it that was nice. it was cold but it didnt feel that cold :3 thats nice. i didnt do much else. i did my dishes. which youd think would take like 5 minutes bc i live alone but for some reason it takes forever even when i feel like its only been a day? idk though. i dont like doing my dishes especially bc i have eczema on my fingers on my fucking. right index finger and thumb. and the sponge hurts it. so does EVERYTHINGGG though like typing this hurts. i have lotion i need like medicated lotion though. i used to have it and it worked so i stopped using it and we didnt get any more. i was like in 5th grade. i was gonna draw but it wasnt happening so i decided against it. i need to make time for it though bc if i dont draw ill never. draw. yknow. i guess thats all that happened today. bye byeee

wait is it doing it. hi I'm FUCK hi im allowed to mess up YAYY i found the fuckass setting that does the autocorrect. its under device -> keyboard -> input settings -> input methods and then theres a little white arrow next to the language. which THEN you can turn off autocorrect. "spelling and grammar check" is a different thing. so my writing may be worse but i wont hate looking at the screen as i type and everything is changed behind me. chromebooks... so anyway

today was .... ummmm .... i got to sleep at like 5 in the morning usually because im upset but this time i just wasnt tired?? but i have to get up about 9 for school so i... did. i can get away with 10 but the fear is ill fall back asleep and miss class bc its at 11. so i had to get up! I had tea with hot chocolate i just made them in the same cup. easy. tasted pretty good. it was SOOO cold today it was warm yesterday! i went on a walk with my mom and brother and it was sunny it was HOT today was cold it was in the 50s. dropped 30 degrees. i dont expect winter to be warm but ??? why was it warm for like 2 days. class was okay we're doing 3 variable systems. which is easy. in class though we had to copy a problem from the screen and i missed a sign so i got 3 fractions. but the answer was... like 1 2 and -1 so like ill go fuck myself. see the problem with higher math is that you dont know if youre doing something wrong until its over. my fucked up fraction could be the answer idk. if its not i think, at least in class, she should tell us. and then i came home and napped and then i went to therapy!!

i talked about... like the issue with my intrusive thoughts not being words. she says i should focus on the feeling instead and like comfort myself because its more physical. which is a good idea. thats a great oppurtunity to pretend im talking to fictional characters LOL. i am a selfshipper :3 i like... fang from animal crossing hes my guy right now. um gaspar purpura from purple i think hes a cutie pie. frey also... who is not in a game i can recommend rn but the people who make those games draw him and i LOVE him hes so. hes everything. though idrk what hes like hes pretty much just in my head. charlie dompler. smiling friends though that was sort of short lived. i still like him. im sure as i get back into fandoms ill find other guys. im playing animal crossing i like the animal crossing guy. fang <3 <3 <3 <3 i love him im kissing him mwah mwah mwah. my self insert for him is a dog villager and they are kissing mwah mwah.

omg speaking of furry stuff im a big big furry btw. i am a dog. ive discovered i really like rubbing the bridge of my nose?? like i think its like a muzzle thing. or maybe its an underrated human thing but i LOVE it ive been doing it forever. if i get comforatble with someone im gonna make them pet me and rub my nose hehe :3

ummm thats all i have to talk about. gonna try to go to bed im not even gonna shower tonight hehe. goodnight!!!

(the dates will always be the day that I had not the day it is until I go to bed. so about 12 to 6 am is still the day before for these. LOL)

ummm. hi. I've been keeping a physical diary for a while but I kind of hate writing. Ive always liked the idea of a public blog so maybe I'll keep up with it for that. spacehey seems like the perfect place for what I imagined in my head. I'll put tws when applicable but umm. it should be fine. I mean let me know if you need something?? this time I'm going to talk about intrusive thoughts if that bothers you. Im really not comfortable actually posting the worst of it LOL. umm. so today was fine. I felt like a lingering bad today. I've been bad all weekend really I dunno why. I got up at like 5pm twice in a row...

i have therapy tomorrow. I'm going to write down all the stuff I want to talk about because last session was really awkward bc my memory is ass and I cant remember my problems. I've been dealing with some really upsetting intrusive thoughts though. so like score for something to talk about. her method of helping has really made things more... idk. like for anyone else... I don't know what I'm thinking in the moment but it's not like "I'm gonna do the bad thing" its like immense guilt and fear, which I then assign the words to yknow. and like action. my intrusive thoughts aren't murder but that's more comfortable so that's what ill say it is its like I look at the subject. then I feel really awful. and then I look at... like, their throat. and its like well no I don't want to choke them out but I then why did I look huh? non-murderers don't see someone and look at their most murdererable parts. and if you're not a murderer why did you have to turn away from them? non-murderers don't do that. non murderers don't even think about murdering. I would trust YOU with my murdererable family members (am I being too on the nose abt what it really is? Im not a bad person I promise) I dont think its outright ocd bc if it was I'd be... there'd be a compulsion involved right? I don't think there is though.

I'm so scared all the time though i really am. I live alone so I think, I am CONVINCED that every single noise is someone breaking into my apartment. I heard what sounded like a light switch the other day and I freaked out so bad I couldn't stop looking at the crack in the door and then when I managed to sit down I looked at the mirror (I was in the bathroom.) Ive always had something about being watched and observed and stalked and I don't think thats true its not paranoia (I think its more like a weird fantasy tbh like someone likes me and is interested in me. hehe) but I think that's always put it in my head that it COULD technically be true. Im scared of cars so I cant cross the street (in my defense I was hit by one when I was 12 and it was bad). I actually struggle to go outside if there's someone else outside I will break down. do NOT come over its been way too long since I took the trash out SHHH.

omg no today WASNT fine y'know what happened today?? I was thinking about an old friend from highschool who was never really personally my friend? but she was like in my group so we were friends. we haven't talked since before my boyfriend and I broke up though (important she and my ex WERE friends for a while but they seemed to have drifted apart as we were dating). so I see her public story and think "oh, I'm on her close friends story on my other account, I want to see if shes added anything to that". well I go look and I don't even see her public story. nor do I see a note or anything so i check the dms and click on her and!! I'm BLOCKED. yeah!! she didn't even say anything or anything?? but she failed block me on my main fucking account so I didn't even know!! shady ass move like she simply had to have not realized right?? so I.... soft blocked her on my main in case it was somehow a misunderstanding but I'm not going to ask if she wants to talk she can make the move. she blocked me she obviously doesn't want to talk. is my excuse but I really want to know??? and I do wonder if my ex has something to do with this!! if he was shit talking me (we had a pretty bad breakup and it was my fault for not doing it better. I'm not getting into that I don't care anymore it was october I've moved on.) or something but like fuck, talk to me!! clearly she didn't see us as friends but I always liked her and I always imagined that she could be my friend. I was thinking about her last night even. I'm not like horribly broken up about it but my BIGGEST fear (besides driving off the road and falling to my death) is that everyone secretly hates me because I'm secretly a bad person "murderer" (and like somehow secretly 12 is also part of it but less applicable here) and I don't even know but everyone else knows and they hate me so bad and they try to find ways to slip out and that's why nobody likes my posts on Tumblr or whatever the fuck I'm upset about at the time.

wow see cathartic. I would have never written all of this in my diary. I may as well outline what I may talk to my therapist about tomorrow.

1. my mom told me to pay my tuition and it felt bad (we were talking about my weird money feelings last session I may not bring this up)

2. intrusive thoughts progress -> um bad. more aware and therefore feeling worse, but maybe that's like progress + how people don't trust people with this type of thoughts and that makes me scared I'm going to be "found out" for being secretly a "murderer"

3. back to my... I don't like to call it depression bc its not horrifically hard like I DO the things that I need to do I just don't do them easily or when I don't HAVE to. + art block :( really bad (though its getting better . drew a picture YAY) though my mood swings are REALLY bad. bipolar runs in my family this could be like..... related.

4. omg I had this weird panic attack esque thing? probs not a panic attack those are long but it wasnt like my freakouts/meltdowns/anxiety attacks where I am Upset about a Thing that is True or I can Believe Is True In the Moment. I felt like my mouth was the wrong size. I suck my thumb (SHUT UPPP I KNOW IM 20) and there's this like spot in my mouth where my thumb goes (I KNOOWW I'll stop when I get braces <- cant afford them ever) and it felt like it didnt fit it was too small! and my tongue didnt fit either it felt too big it was weird as hell and I knew it wasnt true? but like, it was my experience, yknow?? it was so awful. and then I was fine. + on a different day i was having another bad night? but then I had this weird pressure in my head and then I teared up and then I was really bad and then I was okay. and then the next day my art stopped being really bad. ?????

5. my brother and dad are fighting :( fortunately I don't live when them rn but I'm not going home for spring break/summer if theyre still doing that I literally hate those two together so much. and I side with my dad because my brother is an ASSHOLE he's such a dick!! he's got his own problems but he's such a dick I don't feel sympathetic to him anymore. I'm SORRY you're stuck in a deadend job but like Jesus Christ you can stand to help your grandmother you can stand to help your dad who you LIVE WITH who FEEDS YOU. which you WHINE ABOUT this isn't like "your parents are supposed to help you" anymore because you don't get to be 26 with a job like "noo my dad cooked microwave slop again what will i do" like bc you will go to the grocery store you work at and buy your own dinner if you don't like it!! I hate microwave slop too but I never said a damn word because you know what I wasn't doing? ANYTHING ABOUT IT. and he's been a dick to my siblings too the three youngest of us (there's 6 of us) have our own discord servers with the exact same people in it (the 6 of us and our mom) because its funny but my brother saw my sister deleted 1 message and started like getting on her ass about it I had to go full discord mod and go "hey man I don't care if you're technically right you are 11 years older than her, she is 15, you cannot act like this or people will not like you." and he didn't reply but I know if he did he'd go "Id rather be liked than have people like me" and then I'd kick him from the server because FUCK YOUUU I don't even care that you're nice to me sometimes like that's great and I do appreciate it but you need to handle yourself!!

got off track 6. my ex bf baked my mom cookies. is that weird? my mom thinks so. he has a girlfriend (he said so. to my mom) and my mom thinks it could have been him going through the contacts. he texted me also before which was just "we aren't going to be able to be friends" which is okay but he said he'd block my number. like I wasnt'..... texting him. idc man! I really feel like he has this fantasy (I don't say that to mean he's stupid but I think he does) that I'm going to come back to him! and I'm not going to Im not interested, I broke up with him! I remember when we were talking after the breakup he kept saying "if you want to date again Ill need you to do some things" never with my prompting I never implied I wanted that, and then he ended up listing out what those were and I never asked him and I just think its... yknow.

okay that's all today!! I really doubt most of these will be this long. but look how long! I'd never write this much its way too much. the benefits of a keyboard. I will eventually get my Chromebook to quit the autocorrecting so capital letters will be gone!! okay, goodbye!