Friday October 7th, 2022 - past week

Let’s see…. What’s happened since last Tuesday. Well this Tuesday we had to take this photo for orchestra and it was somehow the most tiring thing I did all day. I have 3 birthday parties to go to this month. I don’t really want to, I don’t feel like I’ll enjoy it but it’s not really about me is it. And I’m sure I will. I usually do. Umm… the guy I have a crush on makes bracelets. That’s so cute. Love that for him. And on a similar topic my friend gave me a bunch of beads. I made a little space themed phone charm with them. Um, someone asked me to make one for them and I said yes… for some reason… I don’t want to. The color choices were fucking. Green and brown. I don’t have green and brown beads I get my beads from children’s jewelry. Ugh whatever. They said they’re gonna give me opossum teeth?????There’s someone(s?) at this school who sells bones (I will be copying the paper I picked one up off the ground) and I’m worried this is them? Because it’s rumored that they do not get them ethically DKSFSDFLJK please don’t kill a opossum for me!! They’re very good animals!!! They haven’t followed up yet though. Maybe I can just pretend I don’t know what they’re talking about.

We had a playing test yesterday. I did well because I’m awesome even though I didn’t practice at all. We also had an assembly for homecoming (on a damn Thursday) which was boring and annoying and not notable except this is the third time my friends have sat like… way too close to my crush and it’s WEIRD I’m soo paranoid about him thinking i'm weird and creepy but it’s not my fault !! It’s NOT my doing I’d sit on the other side of the room!!!!! If I followed the pattern of them (and didn’t sit behind them to avoid it) I’d LITERALLY have sat RIGHT next to him!! He ended up moving anyway thank god. It can’t be intentional at least not this time because none of them KNOW I have a crush on him. Anyway. While we left we had to walk by the drums and they were so loud I couldn’t see. Hate that for me.

CW for suicide talk 😬

Wednesday we talked about suicide prevention which. Ugh. They talk about it like nobody in the room could’ve ever dealt with suicidal thoughts. It’s annoying, is all. It really got to me which was embarrassing I hate crying in class. Ironically it puts me in a …… suicidal mindset. So good job there…. Idk something about like “oh always check on your friends even if your not sure” and “do this this and this if your friend if they’re suicidal” make me feel really bad that my friends… don’t? I even had a friend (we aren’t friends anymore) who refused to say anything about me saying “I’m gonna kill myself” jokingly even after I asked her to. I’m… I’m pretty suicidal!! That’s probably not something you should let someone who has attempted suicide multiple times to say!!! I don’t like the ambivalence I get about it. I think my friends think I’m just attention seeking and… I kinda get it. Looks like a boy who cried wolf situation. But in this case the boy cried wolf because of a wolf and got lucky every time. Or maybe it’s more a boy who cried because I don’t often actually say anything about it. But like maybe comfort the boy who’s crying!! Send him a “are you alright?” text One Time!! He’s probably crying about a wolf!!! and like even if he isn't maybe as a friend you should at least pretend to be concerned about him anyway?? yknow and not just use him for school work and funnies??? that got away from me. Sometimes, and I know this is bad, when I’m doing really obviously bad and I know damn well people notice because they act weird about me when it’s the case, I imagine how they could possibly justify their lack of action if I DID do it. Not that it would be their fault but like… Living with the guilt of not helping your friend who constantly told you they were going to do it. Or whatever. Maybe they could like write a sad song about it or something. Actually psa do NOT write sad songs about me killing myself if I do because that's SO appealing to me... That's like encouragement tbh. less "its what he wouldve wanted 😔" and more "its what he wouldve wanted :/" Um. Moving on.

ANYWAY! Um. I’m going to my moms today! For real this time. I’m gonna have to do some school work while I’m there. I’m not super behind. But I am behind. I’ve done almost nothing for english which… was a bad move. Anything else I’m only behind on because I can’t seem to get my thoughts in order.