Sunday October 23rd, 2022- Failed orchestra thing

Let’s see. Goal today is to not constantly say um. LMAO. Today… like right now has sucked ass. I had a thing I was going to it was just supposed to be a fun orchestra thing, not school related. And I didn’t want to I never really wanted to. It’s so easy to go “yeah I’ll do that” and its very hard to go “actually… I don’t”. Totally my bad but my mom got really mad at me and I’d like live with that if she just dropped me off at home and left or at least left me alone for the time being but she didn’t she had to talk to me Right Then And There when I was crying and she was mad and like. I don’t really think she had to do that. We could discuss my issues with my anxiety later like I know it’s really bad I’m aware this was not the right thing to do I obviously figured that out. You’d think if I hadn’t I’d be happy that I was leaving the thing I didn’t want to do, not upset. But no we had to talk and she was just constantly like “I’m not saying this because I’m angry I know I sound angry” but like she said herself, she sounded angry and I’m gonna internalize that. I think she thinks my dad coddles me but my dad gives me the option to opt out and I need that. The event was 5 hours, I don’t like doing anything for more than, like, 2. So if I needed to leave I’d be able to. And also my mom treats me like she treats my dad and my dad treats me like he wants to be treated. When my dad is upset she just ignores it she pretends he’s not and that’s what she does for me in cases like this where she can’t just leave the room. And my dad like… talks to me. And gives me time to breathe. Mom thinks if she just shoves me in I’ll be fine. I Will not I will hide in the bathroom until it’s over. And now I’m scared to do anything with my mom because if I get overwhelmed she’ll get mad at me! And my dad will get mad at me if I bail last minute like this but he won’t have the audacity to try and lecture me about it. We both understand that I know what I did wrong, and he won’t bring it up unless he has a reason to think I DON’T understand. And my mom was like “You went to those birthday parties” yeah and they took up my time and I spend hours agonizing over them and hated one of them!! And those weren’t large groups of people I don’t know and I left early for literally all three do you not see the difference. And like she commented on orchestra for school and in most of those cases my grade depended on it, I hate THOSE too and would not do them if possible, but I also know everyone there and have been doing them for years. And San Antonio. CW for self harm and suicide here but I did some pretty bad things to myself in response to going San Antonio both before during and after. I did not “deal with it” I tried to kill myself twice and fucking mutalated my arms and my thighs. I probably suffered some serious damage with the amount of times I hit myself over the head with heavy objects. I did not “deal with it” I had a horrible time and never want to experience anything close to again. I did not “deal with it” I only went because I failed to harm myself enough to put me in a hospital or kill me and couldn’t avoid it because it was already paid for. But I didn’t say any of that… she didn’t know that. So… that’s not really her fault. But no, mom, you don’t know everything that goes on with my life, you don’t know how well I deal with things, and you don’t get to tell me that I Should Be Better Already, Actually. Anyway I feel better now. I still feel super guilty (which I don’t feel like I should? I made a bad choice but nobody is actually hurt, just disappointed and annoyed. And this was definitely the right move for ME in the end. But I do wish I could’ve done it, it seemed fun. I didn’t say yes for literally no reason.) but I feel better.

What about the rest of the week! Well I don’t remember. Nothing happened. I have developed a new crush. I don’t think I’m actually interested in him but he sure is cute. He’s very tall. I think. I’m very short so it’s hard to tell.